This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


A Note From The Editors

The beginning of the semester has arrived, and with it a heady miasma of intellectual stimulation and use of the word “hegemony.” It’s what your parents’ 200k would have wanted. As you dart off to your “colloquiua” and “seminars,” heed well the words that Grover Freschmann ’15 shared with us in Olin’s unisex basement restroom: “Will professors really get mad at you if you use a computer in their classes? I’ve been having this battle with a Tea Party asshole on comments and if I don’t keep responding, he’ll win.”

Eat right,
Piers & Zach

This Week's Film Series

Car Alarm Prevents Car Theft

A blaring car alarm in the vicinity of the Junior Village parking lot sent dozens of concerned students and locals rushing to the scene of the crime, where they were able to identify and prevent an automobile theft in progress. The heroic group performed a citizens’ arrest of Brad Arnolds, 34, detaining him until the Middletown Police Department arrived

The alarm first sounded at 8:34AM on Monday, rousing many from their peaceful slumber.

“At first, I was just staring at my ceiling, thinking, ‘Make it stop. God, please make it stop. Just make that fucking thing stop. Jesus Christ, just make it stop. Please just make it stop. Why won’t it stop?’” explained Gregory Bellevue ’13. “But then I thought, ‘what if that was my car?’ So I grabbed my brass knuckles and ran downstairs.”

At the scene of the crime, Bellevue and many others found Arnolds attempting to hotwire a 1988 powder-blue Honda Accord. The group quickly subdued him, thanks in no small part to Middletown resident Linda Keller, 34, who weighs in at 446 pounds.

“They had ’im on the ground,” says Keller, “and they was holdin’ his arms down, and one feller done said to me, ‘you just set right up top of his belly there, ya see,’ so I plopped this big ol’ behind right down. I said to myself, ‘Linda, this done be the first time your plus-size posterior ever done you or anybody else a lick of good.’ He was squirmin’ like the dickens but he never got away. No one ever gets out from unnerneath this here tuchus.”

Members of the MPD’s elite automobile theft division arrived on the scene after 14 minutes, where they handcuffed Arnolds. Middletown Mayor Sebastian N. Giuliano plans to hold a ceremony to commemorate the heroic citizens, who will all be awarded keys to the city.

Mustache Tan

How is Wesleyan accounting for the massive enrollment increase?

couple of things re: essay for tomorows class

There Is a Cricket Under My Bed and I Don't Know What to Do

Welcome back, fellow students. Hope you all had a fun summer break. There’s a cricket in my room that won’t stop chirping. I had fun this summer, went cool places and met chill people. Took a road trip to see my friend Mark, the cricket is making a really loud sound as I write this, and I went to Coachella. The cricket is brown and as long as my pinky finger. Mark decided not to go to Coachella.

It’s underneath my bed, which is bolted to the ground. My housing situation is sweet this year — two-room double in the Hewitts with a nice view of Andrus Field. Where are you living? I already tried chasing it away with my arm and then a book and a broom and a shoe I threw at it but the cricket is pretty far under my bed, it’s not going anywhere. At this point my plan is to ignore the cricket and try not to let it bother me. My first day of classes went alright, now I’m just doing some work at my desk while this cricket rubs its wings together just to spite me because it’s pure fucking evil.

It’s been two days. People play loud music in dorms all the time, so this shouldn’t be any different. My roommate has been blasting Hootie & The Blowfish ever since he moved in. I guess they’re okay. The lead singer has a pretty low voice so the cricket’s piercing upper register really cuts through the acoustic guitar. The chirping keeps a steady beat and sometimes I think I can hear my heart pulsing in time with the cricket’s song. I’m personally more of a Dave Matthews fan.

This isn’t really a Physical Plant problem, I don’t think, because crickets aren’t really their specialty, even though I kind of want to call them and ask what insect poisons they keep on hand for this sort of thing or maybe some painkillers or even barbiturates I could use to go to sleep because when I lie on my bed all I can hear is the cricket which has considerable stamina and only paused once for a minute and a half when I was so happy that I lay my head down on the desk and almost started to cry, which I hardly ever do, the last time being when my dog died two years ago. Turns out Olin closes also SciLi and they don’t like people sleeping outside on benches, so I’ll wait it out and lie here with the cricket whom I’ve named Mephistopheles and maybe he’ll die or I’ll die or something will happen to stop Mephistopheles from making the cricket sound he makes. Sometimes I sing along with him on the pitch. I’m pretty good at it now. Anyway, see you in class tomorrow.