This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor Is a Model Citizen

Well, it finally happened. The year 2040 has rolled around and brought with it many new challenges as well as old politics. The mounting tension between the Coalition for Robot Affairs and Biomechanoidal Services (CRABS) and The Human Ethical Response Partnership Society (The HERPS) is reaching a bloody climax as each side continues to jam jagged things in the other’s figurative butthole. CRABS, the most well known lobby for robot rights, has been riding the government bareback with demands to impose constitutional bans on marriage restrictions for digital citizens. The HERPS has maintained an equally dogged style in their attempts to block any progress on that front.
In other news, the Google Corporation/Government has been doing an outstanding job, as usual!


Future Points Of View

How do you feel about your experience with Google-Wesleyan™ Enterprises?

Arlt Bleccchra ‘42
“I have found my experience to be most pleasing from an educational, aesthetic, and social perspective. Go Google!”

Juupl Keelihgxx ‘40
“No complaints here! I am so glad Google absorbed Wesleyan! Where would we be without it? Lost—that’s where!”

Anonymous ’43
Frankly I’m sickened by the whole thing. This is corporate greed at its nauseating worst, and we should all be ashamed. Fuck Google in the face. GOOGLE IS MY FAMILY.”

Open Letter to the Class of 2040, by Martin Benjamin 2.0 ‘57

Dear Wesleyan,

This is an open letter to the graduating class—or should I say, the agitating class— of 2040. I might be a hundred-year-old clone, and the fluid byproducts that have been gradually accumulating in my brain might be impairing my fine motor skills and ability to reason, but I’m positive that you are up to the same sexed-up shenanigans that you were at the beginning of the century. And frankly, making sweeping generalizations is one of the only activities that doesn’t make me dizzy. It’s a real pity that the “Pornocopia” class is still in the curriculum after all these years. That pornography class, the delight of pussy-wet professorettes and cunillingual co-eds, makes a mockery of a once proud and starchy institution. And I don’t say this simply because
here is half a string of anal beads from the 70s permanently impacted in my rectum. I’ve already forgotten why I say this.

What will the next tricked out addition to the Bubble’s course load be? “Ungendering the Robot Diaspora?” Maybe some enterprising students will follow in their previous peers’ footsteps and design a forum on Phallic Seismology. How’s that for intellectual experimentation! My spyware-infected johnson trembles at the thought. And yet the student body continues to revel in the Marxist, blue-jeaned former president Obama. For whatever reason, his bullet-train-explosion death does not yet resonate with you all. It was obviously an assassination, and your brand of navel-gazing, honor code, synthesizer, Birkenstocking, nudist education clearly blew up with our late Socialist. I’m happy to deliver the hint.

Celebrate the Digital Movement

This month is national Robot Awareness Month (RAM). In observance, WesCRABS (refer to Editor’s note), Wesleyan’s largest robot activist group, would like to inform the student body of some upcoming and ongoing events:

- Starting next Monday, the cafeteria will add a Binary Data section to the menu. Workers promise to program the very best flavors. (Note: As of now, there is still no Vegan Binary Data option, much to the dismay of the combined vegan/robot collective, VEG-CRABS.)

- WesCRABS continues its protest of the screening of Terminator at the Film Series this month. Although the movie is a classic, it presents a skewed and potentially damaging caricature of conscious machines. We encourage students to continue to protest, though we ask that robot students refrain from directing their death ray eyes at film department professors. We feel that these incidents have already hurt our overall message.

- BotHouse will host its annual Android Party on March 16th. Come dressed as your favorite robot that looks just like a human, and learn how to fold origami unicorns!

- Lastly, on the March 29nd, there will be a talk by Berri Trosius, a sentient hyper-optimized data access network, who will discuss her experiences of discrimination by both humans and non-hyper-optimized data access networks.


Arby’s® Brings You: The Latest in Political Coverage

The human president and the robot president shake hands in the Oval Office, after the Mechanically-Inclined Life Forms Summit (MILFS)

Veterans Benefits Slashed in Tightening Budgets

Pizza Hut Congress

In a shocking move last Tuesday, the Pizza Hut Congress passed a budget resolution that ran strictly along party lines. This new plan for the budget contains sharp cuts to veteran’s benefits, most notably reducing pensions for Mac/PC vets by 44%.

“It was only 2015 that Windows first struck against Apple with a series of tactical airstrikes,” said Stanley Bening, professor of Sociology at Google Columbia University. “War wasn’t officially declared until three years later, when Steve Jobs bit a captured Microsoft employee’s head off from his wheelchair at that year’s Apple keynote speech. The vets who will suffer the most are the ones from the Battle of Silicon Valley and the final exchange of Nuclear XP and iNuclear weapons.”

The factions had equally fierce intentions. In a Microsoft press conference, a statement was read urging the pizza-minded Congress to “destroy Apple, the Rotten Fruit which perturbs and corrupts.” The letter was written by Bill Gates who is reportedly feeling “the best he’s felt in years.” In a brief interview conducted between his regular bouts of cryo-sleep, Apple CEO and God-Emperor Steve Jobs said, “our nation’s government, in this decision, is letting down a whole host of patriots who fought valiantly for their right to choose which brand’s computers they could watch a donkey bone some hot babe if they wanted.”

The budget also allocates $120 million dollars towards the completion next month of the Google Restructuring Initiative. Google CEO Alan Solsen said in a press conference from the corporation’s headquarters and capital of the nation in California, “Systematic integration is nearly complete. It is inevitable.”

Remembering MoCon

Few people actually know that the MoCon Memorial DeathTennis Arena was named after another earlier building on the same site, the MoCon dining complex. When I look back on my days at Wesleyan, one memory always finds its way to the front of the soft gray folds of my Google lobe. When I think of the idyllic early spring of 2010, back before the biosphere over Wes was constructed, I remember the night this MoCon pulled up out of the ground and flew away, much like a spaceship, dangling wires and a hot water main.

It was one of my routine Tuesday forages for midnight graveyard mushrooms, and I was picking my way through the grass around the foot of the graves on the hill beside MoCon. I was a freshman, and as I remember, there were plans underway to have MoCon destroyed in the near future. I knew some people were upset, but I just figured they would probably build something sweet in its place, like a Roman-style bath or some sort of giant hot tub.

As I inspected the ground around one of the Clark family gravestones, I felt a strange sensation of being watched – I looked up, and sure enough, a small green, fuzzy gremlin was staring down at me from behind a giant, smudged MoCon window. “Hey, little guy,” I said, “are you here to forage for midnight mushrooms?” Suddenly I noticed these little gremlins all around me, appearing from nowhere at all! In terrible chorus they spoke:

“Foolish humans, you have broken the covenant,
You have squandered our gift to you.
‘MoCon’ is Gremlinese for ‘friendship,’
But you are no friend of ours.
We are here tonight to take our MoCon home,
And leave you to learn a lesson.

I felt a tremor run through the ground. Wild colors danced all about MoCon’s frame. It wobbled before my eyes, and suddenly the entire structure sprung upwards about a yard into the air, straining against its pipes. I wet myself.

MoCon broke free. It shot upwards and then stopped, hovering and turning slowly as small plants and rainbows showered off. I looked up at it, and it spoke in a voice like John Kerry’s: “Remember me,” it said. And then it flew off into space, gremlins cooing and making obscene gestures at me from the windows.

So that is why we have the MoCon Arena. Someday the gremlins may return, and I advise anyone looking for midnight mushrooms to keep a weather eye out for the gremlins. I saw them once.

2040 Election Season: Jack and Jill, Not Jack and Drill

As the 2041 presidential race (sponsored by Arby’s®) heats up, the nation’s attention turns once again to robot marriage. Dividing voters and voting-eligible corporations along moral, religious, and mechanical lines, the issue is sure to be a hot-button topic in the coming months.

The Crunchy Gordita Supreme Court™ has yet to rule on the issue. Referendums in 58 states have banned the practice, including the Texan Autonomous Region. The Gordita Supreme’s recent ruling of “Delicious Value!!! $4.99” on a landmark tort reform bill disillusioned many who hoped for judicial reform. And PizzaHut® Congress is too slow to act for the many supporters of robot marriage who are mortal. Republocrats are universally opposed and only moderate NuWhigs from progressive districts like New Pittsburgh and West Mexico can afford to support full legal recognition.

W35l3yan’s student body is notoriously liberal. Long hailed as a campus where one could comfortably explore their cybersexuality, it was one of the first campuses to enroll Mechanically-Inclined Life Forms (MILFs), which both diversified the student body and dramatically improved standardized testing averages. 82% of students approve of robot marriage. 35% admit to experimenting with lower-level appliances. 45% consider a robot ‘family’ or used to vaguely know someone who dug that kind of thing.

A small body of students and professors, however, oppose sweet robot love. Professor Mytheos Home Depot, president of the W35l3yan College of College (the only remaining program to require written academic work), is vocally Republocratic. “There are already 4.27 genders recognized by the Constitution: Reloaded. BiLeGaTaQu-FKLmts already takes nine days. What more do these ideologues require? Next thing you know, people will be marrying their non-kosher pets, too.”

Student activists are confident in the worthiness of their cause. Many point out that the institution of marriage has never been sacred, especially since 2027, when human emotions like love were first patented and sold in low-level doses. Sam ’42 is the president of W35l3yan Harmony, a combination MILF marriage activism/a cappella group. He argues, “Who can say who’s a robot and who’s not? Two thirds of Americans have iBody enhancements, not to mention the compulsory nanorobots.” Sam, who was raised by two WebMD servers on the Upper West Side, has been a voice on the national stage since he was in middle school. “I’m shocked and appalled by the robophobia in this country. It makes you want to move north to Canada. If not for all the genetically-modified Mountie cannibals, I’d move there after graduation.”

This is the first full-length election season since the Lost Year of 2037, when malware from the Australian Empire deeply altered the North-American concept of digital time. Connecticut will be a particularly challenging state for the Republocrats, given the consolidation of elderly voters through an unusually high number of MedicareBeta-mandated consciousness-grafting surgeries. That, combined with the loss of more conservative towns on the coast to flooding, tsunamis, and oxygen-pirates, could make the race particularly competitive. The first Arby’s® primaries will be held in Pfizer-May, when Iowa and New Hampshire post their SurveyMonkey ballots.

BrainMail Memorandum

From: Google-Wesleyan™ Portal of Residential Life

To: All Students and Robot Students

Due to an increase of the student body by 32.476 students, we are pleased to announce the creation of the following ten new program houses. Here are descriptions sent to us by the future House Managers.

Bot House: Seeks to provide a safe space in which to calculate and compute issues concerning Students of Wire.

Nihilist House: Apply to Nihilist House. Or don’t. Really doesn’t matter. It’s all meaningless.

Retro House: Wanna play with real iPads, hoverboards, portable cold-fusion reactors, penis-rubbers, and other genuine antiques? Apply to Retro House!

Sarcasm House: A bright, loving community of scholars. We really want you to join.

A Cappella House: Because no one deserves an a cappella roommate.

Post-Open House: An open community in which to engage issues of meta-trans-post-queer- ethno-mechanoid identity. And more. A safe place to explore issues surrounding botsexuality.

Roth House: Devoted to the proper worship and veneration of King Michael; sacrificial goats not provided but recommended.

GOP House: Note: consists of a one-room single.

Bong House: Previously known as Westco.

Binary House: 1100010110001010111001011010001011110001101010111100010101010!