This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


BrainMail Memorandum

From: Google-Wesleyan™ Portal of Residential Life

To: All Students and Robot Students

Due to an increase of the student body by 32.476 students, we are pleased to announce the creation of the following ten new program houses. Here are descriptions sent to us by the future House Managers.

Bot House: Seeks to provide a safe space in which to calculate and compute issues concerning Students of Wire.

Nihilist House: Apply to Nihilist House. Or don’t. Really doesn’t matter. It’s all meaningless.

Retro House: Wanna play with real iPads, hoverboards, portable cold-fusion reactors, penis-rubbers, and other genuine antiques? Apply to Retro House!

Sarcasm House: A bright, loving community of scholars. We really want you to join.

A Cappella House: Because no one deserves an a cappella roommate.

Post-Open House: An open community in which to engage issues of meta-trans-post-queer- ethno-mechanoid identity. And more. A safe place to explore issues surrounding botsexuality.

Roth House: Devoted to the proper worship and veneration of King Michael; sacrificial goats not provided but recommended.

GOP House: Note: consists of a one-room single.

Bong House: Previously known as Westco.

Binary House: 1100010110001010111001011010001011110001101010111100010101010!