This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Douchebag Alert (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

& WesFest Edition

WesFest is an event with two sides. There’s the image put forth by the University: three days of exciting, diverse, multicultural events designed to show students (read: parents) how vibrant and stimulating life at Wesleyan is. And then there’s the reality for visiting students: unchecked debauchery. Parents:your worst nightmares are true. By noon tomorrow, your child may well have attended a feminist pornography workshop/sex toy demonstration, shot-gunned a FourLoko, consumed a fearful combination of opium and psilocybin mushrooms, signed the “preliminary interest form” for the “Environmental Dance Certiicate,” discovered hir inner “wesbian,” gotten a nipple piecing (or a “Prince Albert”), and fornicated with abandon, possibly for the first time,possibly with a much older partner, possibly in public.

Pie for Parents

Last year, Ampersand statisticians brought you a demographic breakdown of the newly admitted class. This year, we bring you a demographic breakdown of admitted students’ parents.

“We really don’t give a lying fuck about the kids we’re admitting,” Dean of Admissions Pregory Gyke told the Ampersand via Facebook Chat. “It’s the parents that matter. Kids cost a lot of goddamn money. Parents provide that.”

Gyke worked with our number-crunchers to analyze the parents of the Class of 2015.

“We’re extremely proud of this year’s pool,” said Gyke. “We’ve only admitted ive percent fuckfaces this time around, and they’re usually a bit of a wildcard. It’s wonderful.”

The largest 2015 demographic, edging out Jewish Doctors by one percentage point, is the group known as “Money and Melanin.”

“These are people who have lots of both [money and melanin],” Pyke explained. “When they’re well represented, it looks good on paper and on campus.”

Only one percent of admitted students’ parents are Republicans, a number that Pyke described as “frustrating.”

“Every year I push to admit more of them,” he said. “But Wes just won’t have it. It’s a real shame; they’re generally the most fiscally responsible adults.”

WesFest Calendar

12:00 AM – ???
Naked Arm Wrestling Battle Royale For Waitlisted Students
Meet other waitlisted students. Fight to the death.
Location: The Tomb

1:00 PM – 2:00 PM
Buddhism For White People
Learn how to appropriate superficial elements of Buddhist philosophy into your depraved, materialistic lifestyle like the self-serving, narcissistic asshole you are.
Location: Buddhist Temple

3:00 PM – 3:30 PM
Das Racist Walking Tour
Visit the WestCo toilet stall where Himanshu Suri conceived “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,” along with other historic locations.

2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
English Dept Dunk Tank
Location: Russell House

2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
Esteemed Medievalist Gary Shaw’s Son’s Birthday Party
Join us as we voyage to Professor Shaw’s family home in Meriden and surprise-visit his four-year-old son’s birthday party! Brownies and ice cream cake provided, BYOWB (Bring Your Own Weed Butter).
Location: Gary Shaw’s house

3:00 PM – 4:30 PM
WESeminar: What Organs Should You Sell to Pay For Your Wesleyan Education?
The Biology Department and the Office of Financial Aid join to bring you this seminar in how best to finance your Wesleyan education. Come with two kidneys—leave with one!
Location: PAC 001

4:20 PM – 6:00 PM
Stargazing Session on Foss with Cheez-Its
Location: Foss Hill

5:00 PM – 7:00 PM
ED Student Mingle
Meet and commiserate with other students who are unable to achieve erections.
Location: Office of Admissions patio

6:00 PM – 6:30 PM
International Students Tour of Neon Deli
A multicultural tour of Wesleyan’s friendliest deli.
Location: Neon Deli

10:30 PM – 2:00 AM
Steampunk at Beta
Steampunk? More like Steamcrunk, amiright?
Location: Beta

12:00 AM – god-knows-when
Prefrosh-Senior Mixer
This is a fun and safe place for prefrosh and seniors to meet and mingle!
Location: DKE

My 2rd Article

This semesters, a time came for the annual Wesleyan Festival. Many students prep, get prefrosh applications, and others. But one thing eats all’s minds more than anyone. The prospects of drug. Yes.

Administrative officiaries worry lots about heavier marijuana consumption than that which is most often seen throughout (and throughin) the curricular years. The drug, patented, could, they say, be laced, well, and this brings dangers of omen. Just last Sprung, administrations felt needs rescinding over 400 admissions of acceptance (and this rough estimate is just!). Michael Roth, President of the United States, had loads to say on the subject of Cali Green.

As to the question of legalization, congress is making mild progress.

For many, the new concerns brings omens of great hope and forthwith. But to many other student population members, it is a good thing. Notwithstanding the bad, nearly of course. One student writer of this article suggests to oficials: making room in budget for more weed. No, the man says, but the man failures to understand propriety techniques for basic production of pot. Silly.

Keelin Ryan ’14 says: “I don’t even listen to Matisyahu. Isn’t he Jewish?”

No, Ms. Ryan, but fret not. We will prevail again, just as we did during the 1960s, when we protested World War II.

Prefrosh’s Mom Pretty Much Just Going To Ruin WesFest For Son

According to reliable sources close to the family, Janine Fisher P ’15 is planning to pretty much just completely ruin WesFest for her son, Alexander Fisher ’15.

“It’s fucking unbelievable,” said Alexander. “She wants to ‘accompany’ me to the Queer Nippleplay WESeminar. What the fuck, mom.”

“I told Alexander of course he may stay over with a current Wesleyan pupil,” Ms. Fisher explained. “But why is it so unreasonable for his uncle Paul to stay over, too? He’s one of the boys. He can even bring his Gameboy Color.”

Ms. Fisher claims she is not being overprotective.

“Safety is just my number one priority during WesleyanFest,” she added. “Alexander knows he’s allergic to green beans and SPF 60+ sunblock, but what if he forgets? College kids just get so carried away what with their smoking drugs and watching sex videocassettes.”

Matisyahu Confused by Interest in Matisyahu

In an exclusive interview with the Ampersand on Tuesday, moderately successful post-Hasidic reggae artist Matisyahu expressed confusion regarding popular interest in Matisyahu on campus.

“I haven’t gotten excited about a Matisyahu show since 2004,” said performing artist Matisyahu, who seemed as baffled as everyone else by the overwhelming turnout at his March 12 performance at the Spurrier-Snyder Ice Rink. “Different strokes, I guess.”

The 31-year-old performer seemed especially bewildered by Wesleyan’s reaction to his mildly amusing April Fools’ prank.

“I mean, demanding $50,000 for a mediocre novelty act seemed funny at the time,” he added. “But, like—seriously, guys, do you want that money back now?”

Throughout the interview, Matisyahu expressed firm commitment to working with the Wesleyan community to ensure that something like Matisyahu does not happen again.

Chiddy Bang was not immediately available for comment due to their secret midnight performance with the Pistol Whip Orchestra in Eclectic’s prestigious Gote Room.

Admissions Flowchart

Student Goes Around Ruining End Of “The Pale King”

Tensions are running high on campus as sophomore Tom Sternberg forcibly and repeatedly reveals significant plot details from David Foster Wallace’s forthcoming posthumous novel, The Pale King.

The book, assembled from drafts Wallace worked on from 2000 until his death in 2008, is highly anticipated, and Sternberg has been roundly criticized for the “spoilers” he has been divulging at area release parties — events with games, face painting, pageantry, and elaborate costumes related to the characters of Wallace’s other works.

“Tom just showed up and started shouting,” said Matt Fent ’12. “Even though I tried to cover my ears, I still heard a lot of it. It sort of ruins the magic.” Fent, who wore only a bathing suit, said that his costume doubled as the unnamed protagonist of “Forever Overhead,” which he called an “experiment in second-person narration and use of extreme detail,” and that of the unnamed protagonist of “Death Is Not The End,” which he interprets as “an opaque commentary on the literary author as commodity.”

Wallace’s avid fandom has been widely expressed in many media, including websites, conventions, fan art, and fan fiction. On forums, interested readers speculate at length about plot clues and future character developments, posing questions such as, “Who dies? Who falls in love? Who is able to meaningfully express urgent moral truths in spite of the paralyzing self-awareness and irony that have inured American audiences (not to mention the writers themselves) to anything close to an expression of sentimentality?”

Many Wesleyan students now carry about costume broomsticks left over from releases of Harry Potter books and movies, both in reference to Wallace’s “maximalist metafictional romp” The Broom of the System, and as a means of fending off Sternberg. These efforts have been largely fruitless, however, as Sternberg arrives at release parties dressed as Joelle “Madame Psychosis” Van Dyne, a hideously disfigured experimental radio host—from Wallace’s 1079-page novel Infinite Jest—who wears a face-obscuring black veil.

It is not clear where Sternberg gained his information, but in his mission to reveal the ending of the novel (allegedly provoked by similar and sequential high school spoilings of The Scarlet Letter, The Great Gatsby, and Bull Durham), he is very persistent and cunning. Sarah Warde ’14 said that Sternberg surprised her as she was standing in the Pastabilities line at Usdan, where she dropped her carbonara in shock.

“I feel like I’ll still be able to enjoy the book,” Warde said, “but it’s never the same when you already know how it’s going to end. Like in Everything and More, Wallace’s book-length explanation of the history of the mathematical concept of infinity, when... I mean, I won’t say, in case you haven’t read it yet, but it’s dramatic.”

To avoid Sternberg’s plot-revealing comments, many frustrated students say they plan to cover their ears and repeat, “This is water, this is water,” until they have acquired and finished the book.

Matisyahu Concert Sparks Controversy

True Matisyahu fans who attended Tuesday night’s concert at the hockey rink were not disappointed. But for students unaccustomed to the Hasidic Jewish reggae artist’s uncouth stage presence, reactions ranged from disappointment to genuine shock.

“He started doing ‘King Without a Crown’ and I thought I was going to cry, it was so awesome,” said Eli Meixler ’13. “He was all like ‘shiggy yiggy yo.’ I fucking love that part. But then instead of playing the guitar solo, he dropped his pants and started shoving a banana up his ass.”

Matisyahu then began to urinate into the crowd, gyrating rapidly at the waist in order to thoroughly spray everyone in the first three rows. The singer, who had been drinking heavily from a bottle of Manischewitz throughout the show, proceeded to smash it over his head and then roll in the shards of glass, covering himself with cuts and abrasions. A burqa-clad woman then emerged from offstage and squatted over Matisyahu’s bleeding body, violently spraying him with diarrhea.

Toward the end of the set, Matisyahu staggered to his feet and began to smear the wall with the mixture of liquid feces and blood. He drew an enormous “A” inscribed within a circle—a symbol commonly associated with anarchy. He then hurled himself into the audience and began running around on all fours.

“He was beatboxing the whole time,” added Meixler. “He can beatbox really well for a Hasid.”

One unlucky fan, Belinda Olinsky ’12, had to be taken to the hospital when, upon bearing her breasts so that Matisyahu could sign them, he instead took an enormous bite out of the skin over her sternum and then tore her ribcage open with his bare hands. Olinsky is expected to make a full recovery.“

At the very end, he got back on stage, and he and his bandmates all projectile vomited simultaneously on cue,” said Meixler. “It was actually kind of cool.”

Reactions were also mixed to opening act Chiddy Bang, who performed only a single MGMT-sampling indie rap jam before launching into an experimental dance performance set to John Cage’s “Aria.”

Prefrosh POV

Haunting & Taunting: Undead Marijuana Victim Fucks With Prefrosh

Now is the time of year when we celebrate everything awesome about Wesleyan, along with the new faces that will eventually represent it. It is a happy time, but for the few prefrosh who meet the ghost of Joey O’Shallahan, it can be weird as shit.

Few people know that the only person ever to have overdosed on marijuana was actually a Wesleyan prefrosh named Joey O’Shallahan. In April 1983, Joey decided to visit his cousin Seamus during WesFest.

After hitting the bong “like five times” and spending two hours in the “Dutch Oven” (ask your parents), he kept repeating, “No, I don’t want to go see Mr. Mom.”

Joey went to chill on Foss Hill, but he was just too high. Some say he melted into the Hill, some say he evaporated. End of story: he is (un)dead, haunting the shit out of other prefrosh. He talks to them in a voice that sounds like Bobby from “King of the Hill.”

Joey really wanted to come to Wesleyan, so he is pretty jealous tends to come off as a dick. A prefrosh I hosted last year described to me his encounter with Joey:

“We were in Weshop trying to buy some Ben & Jerry’s when Joey appeared to my prefrosh and started saying all these douchey things like ‘Hey, I bet you don’t even know what FGSS stands for,’ and ‘Did you know there’s a one dollar ine for eating candy in Weshop?’”

So if you think your prefrosh is talking to an imaginary friend, just realize that this is Joey O’Shallahan.