This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Matisyahu Concert Sparks Controversy

True Matisyahu fans who attended Tuesday night’s concert at the hockey rink were not disappointed. But for students unaccustomed to the Hasidic Jewish reggae artist’s uncouth stage presence, reactions ranged from disappointment to genuine shock.

“He started doing ‘King Without a Crown’ and I thought I was going to cry, it was so awesome,” said Eli Meixler ’13. “He was all like ‘shiggy yiggy yo.’ I fucking love that part. But then instead of playing the guitar solo, he dropped his pants and started shoving a banana up his ass.”

Matisyahu then began to urinate into the crowd, gyrating rapidly at the waist in order to thoroughly spray everyone in the first three rows. The singer, who had been drinking heavily from a bottle of Manischewitz throughout the show, proceeded to smash it over his head and then roll in the shards of glass, covering himself with cuts and abrasions. A burqa-clad woman then emerged from offstage and squatted over Matisyahu’s bleeding body, violently spraying him with diarrhea.

Toward the end of the set, Matisyahu staggered to his feet and began to smear the wall with the mixture of liquid feces and blood. He drew an enormous “A” inscribed within a circle—a symbol commonly associated with anarchy. He then hurled himself into the audience and began running around on all fours.

“He was beatboxing the whole time,” added Meixler. “He can beatbox really well for a Hasid.”

One unlucky fan, Belinda Olinsky ’12, had to be taken to the hospital when, upon bearing her breasts so that Matisyahu could sign them, he instead took an enormous bite out of the skin over her sternum and then tore her ribcage open with his bare hands. Olinsky is expected to make a full recovery.“

At the very end, he got back on stage, and he and his bandmates all projectile vomited simultaneously on cue,” said Meixler. “It was actually kind of cool.”

Reactions were also mixed to opening act Chiddy Bang, who performed only a single MGMT-sampling indie rap jam before launching into an experimental dance performance set to John Cage’s “Aria.”