This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Weekly Convo

The Ampersand strives to bring real life to real people. This weekly segment will bring it straight up as real, or realer, than it gets by highlighting a particular aspect of human nature each week that we feel should be brought into public awareness. In this first installment, we present a chat between two people, Fred the Freshman and Seymour the Senior.

Seymour: “Hey, you look like a freshman. Are you?”

Fred: “Yeah.”

Seymour: “That’s so gay. In a bad way. So what is this, your first time on the hill, dickjelly?”

Fred: “Uh. I was out here yesterday actually. Why?”

Seymour: “What are you, like, a child? God, I feel so bad for you, thinking you’re all cool and shit. Just so you know, dicktilt, you’re not cool. I’m cool.”

Fred: “Uh, OK.”

Seymour: “‘Eh, o-hay’. Is that really how you talk, dickbutton?”

Fred: “I mean...wait dickbutton? What is that?”

Seymour: “What are you retarded too? I should’ve known. You are such a freshman.”

Fred: “Well, I am literally a freshman.”

Seymour: “Are you still talking, dickfloss? I thought you passed out from trying to be cool and left.”

Fred: “I passed out and left?”

Seymour: “Obviously not in that order, dicksplash. So how do you like Wes?

Fred: “It’s pretty cool. I’m enjoying it so far.”

Seymour: “You would. So you wanna hit this bowl?”

Fred: “Sure, thanks.”

Seymour: “Well, despite the fact that it has freshmen, this school is pretty great. I think you’re really gonna like it here.”

Fred: “I should tell you to act your age, seeing as you’re almost in the real world workforce.”

Seymour: “Interesting point. But when that happens I’ll just like a dicktack freshman all over again, which sucks. Just let me keep calling you names for a while, and you can get drunk and party in my house. Now let’s get high already.”

Fred: “Deal.”