The Ampersand strives to bring real life to real people. This weekly segment will bring it straight up as real, or realer, than it gets by highlighting a particular aspect of human nature each week that we feel should be brought into public awareness. In this first installment, we present a chat between two people, Fred the Freshman and Seymour the Senior.
Seymour: “Hey, you look like a freshman. Are you?”
Fred: “Yeah.”
Seymour: “That’s so gay. In a bad way. So what is this, your first time on the hill, dickjelly?”
Fred: “Uh. I was out here yesterday actually. Why?”
Seymour: “What are you, like, a child? God, I feel so bad for you, thinking you’re all cool and shit. Just so you know, dicktilt, you’re not cool. I’m cool.”
Fred: “Uh, OK.”
Seymour: “‘Eh, o-hay’. Is that really how you talk, dickbutton?”
Fred: “I mean...wait dickbutton? What is that?”
Seymour: “What are you retarded too? I should’ve known. You are such a freshman.”
Fred: “Well, I am literally a freshman.”
Seymour: “Are you still talking, dickfloss? I thought you passed out from trying to be cool and left.”
Fred: “I passed out and left?”
Seymour: “Obviously not in that order, dicksplash. So how do you like Wes?
Fred: “It’s pretty cool. I’m enjoying it so far.”
Seymour: “You would. So you wanna hit this bowl?”
Fred: “Sure, thanks.”
Seymour: “Well, despite the fact that it has freshmen, this school is pretty great. I think you’re really gonna like it here.”
Fred: “I should tell you to act your age, seeing as you’re almost in the real world workforce.”
Seymour: “Interesting point. But when that happens I’ll just like a dicktack freshman all over again, which sucks. Just let me keep calling you names for a while, and you can get drunk and party in my house. Now let’s get high already.”
Fred: “Deal.”
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