This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/18/09

Smokey The Bear Embarks on National College Tour

The controversial flame-retardation spokesman, formerly known as Smokey the Bear, recently finished the Northeastern leg of his “Careless Combustion” tour. Under fire in the past for his questionable reinventions, Mr. Bear has undertaken another effort at curbing man-made fires. His latest campaign makes use of popular social networking media. On his Facebook profile, under obvious pseudonym “Smoke this Bitch,” Mr. Bear encourages “smoking meats, not trees,” but also advocates safety when barbecuing and using hair curlers. A chilling anecdote of his own hair straightening faux pas brings the page to life. The many groups he belongs to include “Our children are flammable. Stop the madness!” and “8th Graders need to back off 9th grade guys especially other peoples BF’S.” His most recent Twitter posts were “I’m going to get those fucking bees and their honey” as well as “just set my toaster on fire … fml.”

For those readers who blindly support Smokey and his newest alternatives-to-smoking crusade (FunThingsToSmokeThatDontCauseFires.com), it seems prudent not to forget his last disastrous reinvention as “Smokay Da Bear.” That plan was extinguished when Smokey began to advocate the use of inhalants and intravenous drugs as alternatives to fire-starting activities. Taking a cue from international anti-smoking symbols, Smokey got a tattoo of a cigarette being destroyed by termites shaved into his lower back. Said politica tramp-stamp attracted negative press, including reports in US weekly with names such as “Smokey the Slut,” and “Iconic Bear Disgraces Race.”