This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Blazing Athletics

If I learned one thing over the summer, other than why you should never, ever accept rides from burly truck drivers named Preston while hitchhiking through the southwest, it’s that there is one ingredient which can instantly improve just about anything. I am of course referring to fire.

Since the dawn of time, man has used fire to make things better, from marshmallows to grain alcohol to job interviews that aren’t going in your favor. But believe it or not, this elemental phenomenon has yet to breach the area of sport. Why this is the case is beyond me, especially once one considers what various games would look like if they were set ablaze.

Golf: In some sports, such as football, adding fire is hardly necessary, what with the regular, crowd-pleasing spinal injuries. Some athletic events are so painfully boring, however, that the only solution is to burn the shit out of them, which is precisely the case with golf. Sure, a burning ball would put some pressure on the competitor to finish their shot before the forest catches, but add a burning club, and the game starts to make sense.

Tennis: In some cases, fire will exist less as an element of play and more as an aesthetic contribution to the game. Flaming tennis nets are a good start toward making every match an epic duel, but setting the ball on fire endangers lives!

Water Polo: Two words: Fire Polo.

Olympic Diving: In this case, the fire acts as an incentive. Like many of these suggestions, the fire will act as a way to judge performance under pressure. A diver who is able to concentrate more on their form than on their melting skin will be sure to earn high marks.

Competitive Eating: Would you like some fire with that cheesecake? Yes, please.