This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Weekly Convo

This week’s convo reflects the theme of fire-starting by giving readers a peek into the home life of the cave man who discovered the element. Scientists have named him Conrad.

Conrad: Honey, I found something that is guaranteed to get you hot!

Lucy: Yeah right. You haven’t managed that in years.

Conrad: It’s not my fault your legs spring closed whenever I beat you with my love club. Anyway, I’m telling you, this is the craziest shit you’ve ever seen. I’ve named it “heat pile.”

Lucy: Well are you gonna show me, or just keep masturbating those sticks in your hands?

Conrad: Would you just stop yelling at me for one second? Just one goddamn second? I will wait. Thank you. Anyway, this is how you make heat pile. You rub sticks together until your arms get tired, and poof.

Lucy: Poof, yeah. That sounds brilliant. You’re a real thinker.

Conrad: Nothing I do is good enough, is it? I’ll never be like your brother, the faaaaamous elephant hunter. Why don’t you just mate with him?

Lucy: Believe me I would’ve if he hadn’t mated with our sister. You know I can’t stand her.

Conrad: Wait shut up. Here we go. It’s about the start.

Lucy: Hmm. That’s actually kinda cool. So now what do we do with it?

Conrad: Uh. I mean, you know. We can look at it for a while. Isn’t this fun?

Lucy: Whatever. I could use some food. Too bad you can’t hunt as well as you make excuses.

Conrad: I can feel it, baby. This discovery is going to be revolutionary. It’s gonna change the course of history.

Lucy: Fine. But change that ridiculous name. It’s what our son calls the gorilla shit he plays in.