This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Freshman Orientation: Do's and Don'ts

DO pee on Olin. DON’T vomit on Olin.
DON’T hook up with anyone who can be described as a ____mate (room, hall, class, etc.) even though you probably will.
DO attend Foss Cross in drag.
DON’T make any major lifestyle changes based on how much fun you had dressing in drag for Foss Cross, but DO feel free to consider yourself a Queer Ally thereafter, even if you have never participated in Queer Activism and still regularly say “No homo” (like after you hooked up with your roommate at Foss Cross).
DO offer your RA a blunt if he or she shows up at your room and doesn’t bust you for being loud.
DON’T get blunted and awkwardly invite yourself into your RA’s room when he or sh6e is having friends over.
DO get plenty of sleep but DON’T sleep through your meeting with your academic advisor. DO sleep with your academic advisor.
DO learn the Wes Fight Song.
DON’T sing it every goddamn time you’re drunk.
DO the walk of shame with pride, but NOT to your first class on Monday morning.
DO enjoy dance parties, power hours and breakfast shots.
DO go to parties on Fountain, but DON’T leave them with a full handle of Dubra tucked in your coat as soon as PSafe shows up.
DO be polite to PSafe Officers when they show up but especially if you clearly have a handle of Dubra tucked in your coat.