This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


"I Have Sex"

A new video from campus group Wesleyan Untrimmed:

The Ampersand stands with Planned Parenthood. Sign the petition!


A Note from the Editors

— Zachary and Benjamin

Tweet from Piers

It may be because I haven’t eaten one in a while, but the whole mango I diced for lunch today left me feeling discomposed.. —Piers

An Email From The Davison Health Center (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

It’s nearing that time of year again: allergy season!

As midterms wind down and prep begins for Spring Fling and WesFest, we want to make sure you take special care of yourselves, so we’ve decided to compile a list of tricks and tips for the spring.
  1. Try your best to exercise regularly.
  2. Eat healthfully.
  3. Practice safe sex (in your rooms).
  4. Only use a Fleshlight if it is your own. The Fleshlights found lying around the Butts tunnels have probably been used and so it is likely they are suppositories for disease. Don’t touch them.
  5. If you suffer from seasonal allergies, take one, and no more than one, Claritin daily.
  6. Those of you in Clark with windows facing Olin: close your blinds at night.
  7. Remember that “going home” is a baseball term. Home plate on Andrus is not a place for orgies. Nor are any of the other bases for that matter.
  8. Professor Charleston, in the Humanities Department, left a stack of term papers on his desk when he exited his office last Monday night, and when he came back the next morning, they were stuck there. Do not let this become a habit.
  9. Just because Obama spoke on that podium doesn’t mean it is okay to fuck there. Thanks in advance!
  10. As the days pass, it’s going to get hotter, so remember to stay constantly hydrated.
  11. WesBreasts: The Movie is hardly an appropriate title for a senior thesis film.
  12. Several students reported vomiting after ingesting some viscous substance in the Usdan pesto. If you’re working in the vegan section at Usdan, you are to be doing your job and nothing else.


Here at the Ampersand we can’t claim to everything, but some things we can are responsible research methods and insightful journalism with an eye toward the public’s wellbeing. It is with this higher calling in mind that the Ampersand Editorial Staff spent it’s entire annual budget on cigarettes (and incurred one $3,000 debt in judicial bail), Why, you might ask? Was it the realization that the Office of Internal Studies is both less efficient and more personally antagonizing than the DMV? That a CSS/Film Studies double major won’t in any way convince someone to hire you? That there’s not a thing about a black-light dance party that we actually enjoy? For You. We did it for You. Because Smoking isn’t just bad for your health:

Smoking is Bad1
  1. Let’s take care of this one immediately. Smoking is addictive. And not in the “OMG How I Met Your Mother is SUCH an addictive show! And now that all 8 Seasons are available on Hulu there’s no way I can focus long enough to take the breath at the end of this sentence! Gotta Go watch NPH KThnxBye!” sense, but more in the “WHAT!? It’sONLYbeen14minutes sincemylast CIGARETTE HOWisthatevenPOSSIBLE? I haven’tsleptin82HOURS andcannot focus ona SINGLEGODDAMN THING” more-addictive-than-cocaine” kind of addictive.
  2. People say: Smoking Makes You Cool, and All the Cool Kids Do It, and Johnny Depp Smokes Cigarettes2 and He was in Pirates of the Caribbean; Do not listen to these people because These People are Wrong. The less glamorous truth is that Smoking is a leading cause of fat chicks and friendlessness.3
  3. Smoking will NOT make you sound smarter while talking about an Ishiguro novel you only read the back of.
  4. Police interrogations are just as terrifying without cigarettes.
  5. Cigarettes have caused every California wildfire since 1872.
  6. 100% of Smokers die.
  7. Also, Stephen Hawking died of cigarettes.
  8. Smoking will not cause a harem of hipster princesses to spontaneously materialize around you. See: Cocaine, underwhelming music, greasy hair.
  9. ……….
  10. (Cigarette break)

1 As in, morally reprehensible. Like state lotto’s. Or cheese from an aerosol can. Or corporate advertisements beamed into Space.

2 Johnny Depp smokes cloves. And it will never matter how wealthy and long-lashed and indifferent you can look while doing so, you will never be cool smoking cloves.

3 Smokers Quarterly, Vol. 19, Num. IV, “Cigarette Replaces Man’s Best Friend: Costs Less, Walks More,” p. 61. Southern Methodist University Press: Corpus Christi, 1987.

Ampersand Guide to Self-Surgery

  • Uvulectomy: Reach back into your throat with your thumb and forefinger until you feel your uvula. Touching it may cause you to gag reflexively; if you feel the need to vomit, simply clench your esophageal sphincter to suppress it. Pinch the uvular bulb, digging your nails into the flesh. Say “aah” and give a firm tug. The uvula should detach with a slight pop. Also works for tonsils and swallowed items.
  • Tongue bifurcation: Run with tongue extended into a taut vertical string of dental floss or razor wire.
  • Lasik® laser eye surgery: Complete Lasik® laser eye surgery certification course. Perform surgery on self.
  • Webbed finger separation: Web skin can be easily removed with scissors, hedge trimmers, or one’s own teeth.
  • Boulder-crushed arm removal: 127 hour procedure. But you don’t need 4 MFAs for this one.
  • Tracheotomy: Wedge one end of a chopstick above your Adam’s apple and prop the other end on a table or other surface. Lean on it until you feel it break through your skin and pass out the back of your neck. You’ll find yourself breathing easy in no time (just don’t hit your brain stem!)
  • Splenectomy: Get yo hand right up in there and rip it out yo midriff.
  • Colonoscopy: Buy a pack of colon grub eggs, available over the counter at any pharmacy. Crack a raw chicken egg into your anus, and then embed the colon grubs in the nutrient-rich yolk. In 3-8 weeks the larvae will hatch and devour your colon polyps. But be careful
  • they’ll keep growing if you don’t ex-terminate them quickly, and if they get too hungry they eat your healthy anus tissue too!
  • Wenis reduction: Use a binder clip to flatten folds of excess wenis. Circumcise.
  • Areolae enhancement: Ice them up, then graft some circles of skin from inside your cheeks and lips. If you can’t staunch the mouth blood, graft in some patches from your inner thighs(but don’t hit the femoral artery!).
  • Liposuction: Cut your way into your bloated abdomen with a cookie cutter or shark tooth, then borrow someone’s wet/dry vac and suck until there’s nothing left.
  • Kidney transplant: Steal a kidney (use your imagination; we’ll look the other way). Swallow it down. Your body will naturally know what to do, with a little help from our intelligent designer.
  • Female penis eversion: Reach deep into your vagina and give a sharp tug; you should be able to pull out your inner penis with ease. In a few weeks, you will find that your ovaries have become testicles, but they won’t descend, so you’ll have the coax them down. Time to get boning!

New STD Testing Protocols

Ask the Doctor

  • How should I treat my friend’s adult diaper rash?
  • Is it possible to overdose on “chill pills”?
  • I don’t feel good.
  • What’s your opinion on meth?
  • What steps can I take to prevent
  • my eyelashes from growing back?
  • My pet viper has a cough! Help!
  • Should I really stop eating the lead paint off my wall?
  • For the past couple of years, I’ve been experiencing a slowly progressing paralysis in all of my limbs. Should I make an appointment?
  • Why doesn’t someone combine Pizza Hut and Taco Bell into one thing?
  • About Viagra?

Mortality Cited As Leading Cause of Student Death

Leading scientists have identified mortality (also known as death, dying, the Malaysian catnap, and Kennedying) as an epidemic on the rise. Despite advances in medical technology, mortality still claims more lives than ever before and doesn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. With daily exposure on the front pages of newspapers everywhere, mortality is bigger than Jesus, the Beatles, and crystal meth combined. The Ampersand has generously blackmailed a panel of international experts into compiling this list of mortality tips for your benefit.
  • Over 97 percent of all university students die at some point in their lives.
  • Smoking increases the risk of mortality onefold.
  • Contrary to widespread belief, the “Carradine defense” of fleeing to Thailand, stripping naked, tying a protective rope around one’s neck, and feverishly masturbating is not an effective prevention of mortality.
  • Exercise is a great way to fill your time in the hospice.
  • There are many ways to succumb to mortality. Some of the more popular include: erotic de-capitation, space shuttle explosions, hemlock, assassination, taking one for the team, being set upon by lions at the emperor’s order, consuming spoiled yogurt, Christian rock mosh mishaps, His wrath, and alone.

Pink Eye vs. Risk-Taking Behaviors

A recent Ampersand Medical Journal study, the first of its kind, has found that collegial closeness and expressions of affection can lead to deadly conjunctivitis, or Pink Eye. We surveyed 40 college students on various campuses, to determine the relation-ship between Pink Eye and intimate activity. Look what they said: