This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

1/26/10

Maxturbate

In order to ensure that recreational activities don't get in the way of squeezing the most out of every millisecond of your life from now on, I have compiled a top five list of variations on masturbation, which let's be honest never helps productivity but is too much fun to be simply ignored all of a sudden. These corner cutters'll allow you to surge to ultimate power and still have some of that necessary you-time. Also, a top five list of things not to do ever because they will impede your progress toward domination of the earthly realm.

1. Income taxturbate – It's always a good idea to have your taxes done on time, but who says it has to be ejaculation-less.
2. Click-clacksturbate - If in the process of rising to the top of the game, you find yourself being held back by an incompetent business partner who you can't really trust, you gotta cock that thing back with a click-clack and then, bladow, find a new business partner. But never take the other hand off yo dick!
3. Classturbate - History? Who cares? I need a napkin.
4. Foie grasturbate - I can't even remember when I used flatten my geese while not choking a chicken.
5. Snacksturbate – Complex carbs are a total necessity when it comes to singly focusing the mind on the prize, partly to replenish the energy you've lost from jerking off so much.

Things not to do:
1. Procrasturbate – Ever. You must always be working and masturbating.
2. Forward Passturbate – In rugby especially.
3. Thrashturbate – Despite trying to make the most out of everything, you don't ever want to thrash when it comes to the penis.
4. Whiplashturbate – Who needs another fight with the insurance company?
5. Tresspassturbate – Illegal and liable to get you shot-gunned in the chest.