This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Report: Most Wes Students Believe “Relay For Life” Is Pro-Life Propaganda

In a misunderstanding of unprecedented proportions, hundreds of Wesleyan students have refused to participate in Relay For Life, apparently mistaking the American Cancer Society fundraiser with anti-abortion activism.

Amanda Mansell ’12, president of Students for Reproductive Rights, expressed her indignation at being handed a Relay For Life flyer in Usdan by kneeing the unsuspecting student in the uterus. Mansell immediately began organizing a Relay For Choice counter-rally, “to effect less inherently hegemonistic dialogue” regarding a woman’s right to choose. “What would Jane Roe think!?” added Mansell, her brow furrowed in theatric indignation, apparently unaware that Jane Roe, plaintiff in the landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade case, has since recanted her support for abortion rights—or that Relay For Life has nothing to do with abortion rights whatsoever.

“I find it morally repugnant that our supposedly progressive institution could so brazenly endorse the extremist pro-life agenda,” added Geoffrey Hord ’11. Hord led a mass protest outside North College Tuesday morning, which yielded such slogans as “Relay For Life is Relay Against Women,” “Abort the Relay!” and “Make Abortion, Not War!”

Meanwhile, prominent conservative Mytheos Holt, in his weekly “Wesleyan Viewed From the Right” column, described the protest efforts as “typical of leftist PCU pseudo-activist garbage. In fact, it’s refreshing to see an anti-infanticide presence on campus for once.”

When pressed for comment, President Roth assured that the event would be discontinued, and that the University had been fully unaware of the American Cancer Society’s right-wing sympathies.