This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

1/26/10

Take it from Me: Night

I’ll be brief. I tried one of those do-it-yourself “male enhancement” treatments and set my penis on fire. Four wasted lawsuits and half a scrotum later, I’ve decided that all these health information websites can’t be trusted. So I’ve donned my favorite tin foil hat while uncovering some honest tips for improving your life.

What I’m trying to say is, I haven’t slept in two weeks. People tell me I’m insane for believing that it works. But it does. And I always respond to those people, “Is your refrigerator running? No? Well then maybe you should unplug it from the wall and stop slaughtering your sheep.” Not a minute of sleep, and I’m sharp as a sharp.

Since I’ve stopped sleeping, I’ve observed a 400% decrease in instances of me being attacked. Coincidence? Does my paraplegic aunt make the best banana bread on the east coast? Of course not. Let’s say someone approaches you in the middle of the night. You’ve got one eye open: bite your assailant in the neck and scream like you’re lost in the ball pit at an eight-year-old’s gymnastics-themed birthday party. Who cares if it was actually just your girlfriend returning a sweatshirt? Shit happens, this lifestyle is about efficiency. You can be the judge; I’ll be keeping watch under my roommate’s bed.

Other benefits? Have you ever been eight hours early to a class? I have. Professors eat that shit up. Sure, someone’s coat was sitting in the middle chair in the front row when I got there, so I couldn’t get the best seat: a minor setback. I’ll figure out what the hell that jacket was doing there. You know how? By not sleeping and doing fucking detective work instead. How’s that for some health advice?

To stay awake, start by doing things to escape from your normal routine. I’ve found septic tank aerobics to be sufficiently disturbing, and I typed this whole thing with my face. There’s a whole new place waiting for you when the sun sets, where no one is around to care about how you smell like you just crawled out of a dumpster, even if it’s just your new shampoo and no one seems to understand that eucalyptus leaves can smell a lot like trash sometimes.

People don’t use their heads. One Five Hour Energy gives you approximately five hours of crash-free liveliness. Drink eight? You do the math on that one, I have some toilet paper coupons to redeem.