This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Pre-frosh Parents: Do not Worry About Your Child’s Welfare

At Wesleyan, we take fun seriously. We take safety with a few shots of tequila, and I don’t think anyone wears underpants anymore. I don’t. That is to say, we’re all adults here at Wes. Your precious offspring are in well-meaning, moisturized, semi-criminal hands for the weekend. And hopefully over the next four developmentally delicate years, they will become us.

Their immature and adorable buds of drug habits will blossom into sweeping gardens of abuse and disorder. They’ll learn how to cram a week’s worth of homework into one night of caffeinated and fluorescently lit delirium.

There’s a lot to look forward to.


Points Of View

Wesleyan’s incoming Class of2014 survived a 20% acceptance rate — the most selective rate in the school’s history. Why do you think you were admitted to the university?

Frank Libosh ‘14
“I don’t know! I don’t even practice Methodism!”

Amanda Seeler ‘14
“Everyone always writes their college essay about doing volunteer work in Nicaragua. I wrote mine about volunteer work in Honduras.”

Suspenders Charlie ‘14
Let’s just say there was no alleged dick-sucking of any kind – know what I mean?

Public Safety Alert: Danger Lurking at Wesfest

Public Safety would like to alert the community that prefrosh season is upon us. It is important for all students to familiarize themselves with the warning signs of potentially dangerous prefrosh encounters. These beasts are often observed travelling in packs, accompanied by what seem to be older, more neurotic prefrosh. They are also usually seen carrying around handfuls of brochures and information sheets: nesting materials. Be aware that prefrosh are especially inclined to sleep on the floors of inhabited dorm rooms. Should you find a prefrosh living in your room, keep in mind that it is just as afraid of you as you are of it.

You may have noticed groups of prefrosh being led around by Wesleyan students: please understand that these students are specially trained to handle big groups of these wild creatures. Please do not approach any of these groups, because the prefrosh could become startled and attack the group leader in its confusion, or harm itself. Topics of conversation that could provoke an advance by a prefrosh include standardized test scores, the Brown waitlist, and especially Justin Bieber. Finally, remember that the prefrosh is a majestic animal, beautiful and horrifying at the same time. They are essential to the local ecology, and attempts to exterminate prefrosh are strongly discouraged. For this reason, Public Safety has set up enclosed drop sites at Admissions where prefrosh can be held and safely released back into the wild. The cooperation of the student body in this matter is appreciated.

Spotlight on Inspirational Prefrosh: Usdan Fayerweather

The Ampersand interviewed a particularly representative prefrosh named Usdan Fayerweather.

Ampersand: So baby, why Wesleyan?

UF: Well, it’s the perfect environment for me to expand my mind, both with and without hallucinogens. Pot’s starting to lose that extra “oomph” for me, you know?

Amp: What’s the deal with your fishy name?

UF: Oh, that’s just a coincidence. My parents were very formal.

Amp: So Usdan – can I call you Usdan? We know you have a passion for stamp collection. How did you rise to the top of Stamp Kollectors Electorate Enterprise Today (SKEET), the premiere stamp collecting association in North America?

UF: I’ve done things I’m not proud of.

Amp: You’re also an accomplished R&B artist, correct?

UF: That’s right. In fact, I’m in the midst of merging my two passions. My latest album was called “Lickin’ Yo Back.” It’s a concept album about what it means to be a nongendered stamp collector in America, and the persecution it brings. I like to think that my position as the foremost R&B artist who collects stamps lets me give a voice to a sizable minority that would otherwise have to suffer in silence, and I’d really love to experiment further with my music. Some sort of punk/polka fusion thing.

Amp: One last question: are you Wesleyan?

UF: That’s a tough one. I have quoted Hume, Hegel, and Homer Simpson, but if I were a car, I’d probably be an Oldsmobile with authentic pleather interior, with a pair of fuzzy dice under the mirror.

Class of 2014: Admitted Students Profile

In an exclusive Class of 2014 profile released this week, the Stewart M. Reid Office of Admissions proudly announced that only 31% of accepted students are complete tools. “Of the remaining 69%, approximately 18% are pretentious cocklaundry,” explained Senior Dean of Admissions Gregory Pyke in a comprehensive report. “The last 51% splits pretty evenly between ass-hoses and Das Racist-fetishizing dickstubs.” The report also flaunted the incoming class’s geographic diversity, noting that only 36% of the potential class hails from Manhattan’s Upper East Side, with Brooklyn, Long Island, and Westchester claiming 17%, 20%, and 37% respectively. “There was also that one young lady from Montana,” added Pyke. “I knew it was a risk, but I have a thing for applicants with nursing home volunteer experience.”