This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Pre-frosh Parents: Do not Worry About Your Child’s Welfare

At Wesleyan, we take fun seriously. We take safety with a few shots of tequila, and I don’t think anyone wears underpants anymore. I don’t. That is to say, we’re all adults here at Wes. Your precious offspring are in well-meaning, moisturized, semi-criminal hands for the weekend. And hopefully over the next four developmentally delicate years, they will become us.

Their immature and adorable buds of drug habits will blossom into sweeping gardens of abuse and disorder. They’ll learn how to cram a week’s worth of homework into one night of caffeinated and fluorescently lit delirium.

There’s a lot to look forward to.