This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor Against Love

In ancient civilizations, they hadn’t quite figured love out yet. Today, however, we have computers for that kind of shit. Now that emotions (and anti-emotions) come in clearly labeled bottles, people really know what they’re getting out of relationships. Some love mongers complain, like, “Oh, those bastards at Pfizer are making billions off turning us into zombies.” Well I say, it saves time. With facebook live feeds updating every few seconds, there’s very little free schedule-space for that totally unquantifiable emo-jargon called “love.” We should make this word illegal under penalty of exile or smoking an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting.

You know these hippie bipsters with their “peace for all” think they’ve solved the fucking mystery. “All you need is love” my ass-warts. Have they ever seen world peace? How exactly did they become experts on the topic? And if it was that motherfucking easy, why haven’t we done it yet?

What we really need is some more goddamn money.


POV: Love Captured

The concept of love is often defined using metaphors. Which one do you think best captures its true meaning?

Patricia Gristlegrop ’13
“Love is like Weshop peach rings. They're sweet, until you realize how many hands have been in that bin.”

Andrew Turdickens ’12
“Love is like bestiality. It sounds ridiculous, but you try it anyway.”

Annika Sukkenstuf ’13
“Love is like a pair of overalls. The more comfortable you get, the less likely you are to realize you’re getting fat.”

Barry Lickler ’10
“Love is like sex. I love sex.”

Fountain Avenue Filthier Than Ever

Dismayed by meager job prospects after college, seniors are rapidly turning to other means of self-employment, namely, dramatic prostitution.

“Fountain Ave is the perfect spot to turn tricks,” says Cynthia Blossomcrest ’10. “After that Fountain Ave incident a few senior-weeks back, people from all over come to the street looking for a party.” She checks her lipstick in a P-Safe vehicle side-view mirror. “And that’s what they’re gonna find.”
Some are pleased to have found a job that doesn’t encroach on their social life, but in fact enhances it. “The only problem is that I run out of outfits more quickly,” sighs Tina Steeplechase ’10. “Luckily, I can wear my American Apparel Pencil Halter Dress in 29 different ways!”

Wesleyan’s Career Resource Center has chosen to embrace, rather than redirect, the seniors’ entrepreneurship. The newly added workshop, “Dress for Sexcess”—where students bring their work outfits to be critiqued—had the biggest turnout of any CRC event to date. Expected to be equally popular is the event scheduled for next week titled, “Using Your Head: Felatio in the Free Market.”
The advantages to this line of work are numerous, say the seniors. “I basically work from home,” says one. “I can do homework while I wait. It’s basically like my job at Olin, only with tips.”

The financial perks are abundant, but it’s the business experience and real-life learning that the seniors find so valuable. Said Leslie Turner ’10, “I’m applying the four ‘P’s’ of marketing: Product, Packaging, Presentation, and…”—“Positions,” her friend finished for her.

Public Safety has discerned no difference in the activity on Fountain. When questioned, an officer commented: “As long as the students stay on the sidewalks, we’ve done our job.”

Seducing Beasts

“To Catch a Predator” is one of the best shows on television, in case you didn’t know or are in fact a sexual predator yourself. The Ampersand sat down with the host, Chris Hansen, for an exclusive interview. We asked Chris about the kind of mating deviant he generally goes after, and he answered, “mostly fat, unattractive men who are normally one stair-flight away from cardiac arrest.” Chris himself has quite the figure. He explained, “Sometimes when the cameras aren’t rolling it’s fun to scream, ‘The long dick of the law just came again, fuckers!’ Is that mean?” The producers were kind enough to provide us with an example of an illustrative exchange with one of the pedophiles he’s been chasing.

coolandsmooth16 (pedophile): hey there
shaftlover919 (Chris Hansen): i just want u to sit on me big boy
coolandsmooth16: god that’s hot

You get the idea. An excerpt from the local newspaper tells it all, “Four hours after the arranged meeting, a confused, middle aged man was chased down and subsequently tasered by a well-groomed TV show host in front of crowds of little children and their mothers at the Build-A-Bear Workshop in downtown Los Angeles.”

But the glamorous image of show business doesn’t tell the whole story. A teary-eyed Chris Hansen commented, “Sometimes I wonder if maybe the media, with their flashing lights, sexy hosts, and mace-toting frontmen just get in the way of true love. When I was a teenage girl, I often cried out in the night for the love of a bald, whale-ish man, the kind of guy whose trench coat pockets were stuffed with Blockbuster receipts and a handful of expired driver’s licenses. On the other hand, busting terrified pedophiles while they adjust to the sunlight is hilarious to me."

Frequent Sexiler Revealed to Have Been Rampant Masturbator All Along

“I guess I just assumed he was quite the Casanova—banging a different girl every night,” says freshman Mike O’Brien ’13 about his roommate, Brendan Surratt ’13, who frequently locked O’Brien out of the room this semester, claiming to be engaging in acts of sexual intimacy with a partner. “If he wanted to jerk off, why couldn’t he just do it in Olin like a normal person?”
O’Brien claims he heard multiple moaning voices emanating from his one-room Fauver double on several occasions, “but on second thought, it did sound a lot like the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs.”
O’Brien’s first clue that something was awry came when he tried to borrow Surratt’s flashlight. What he found was more anatomically accurate, let’s say. “And Mike kept coming back from Weshop with all these bizarre items—melons, cold cuts, enough moisturizer to feed Hawaii for a month. Meal points were no object.”
When confronted over the issue, Surratt allegedly ignored the evidence and responded, “I know you are, but what am I?” He then accused O’Brien of violating the honor code and fled the scene.
The RA for the floor, Micah Peltz ’10, adds, “The rest of the hall has known this for a month. We were wondering when Mike would catch on. That kid’s a fucking idiot. No offense.”


The Editor on Families

Family weekend is an opportunity for group hugs, fancy dinners, and tearful revelations of adoption. As far as emotional roller coasters go, few can beat it. Consider, for example, the cardiac thrill in a grandmother as she watches her grandson get the third and grandest concussion in his football career. An instant recipe for Depends® soup.

It was great to see so many parents attending classes and luncheons, and even partying with their children. Some parents got out of hand, but luckily only a few actually got charged with their crimes. We saw parents drunkenly letting loose, mostly on clothing norms and their kids’ self-esteems. And if there’s one lesson I’ve learned from people’s relatives this weekend, it’s never to believe anyone when they say they’ve “got my nose.” I mean, how am I still breathing, jackasses?

A week ago, if someone had asked me whether I thought relatives were bad ass, I’d say, “never ask me that again,” but now I’d say, “I told you never to ask me that again,” and I would cry tears of Family Weekend trauma.


POV: Family weekend

The University invited parents and grandparents to attend a Wesleyan class on Friday or Monday of Family Weekend. What did you think of your child’s class?

Doris Neale P’13, ’12, ’10
Course: The Biology of Sex
“I’ve had better.”

Anna Flishkin P’10
Course: An Introduction to Laban Movement Analysis and Bartenieff Fundamentals
“Definitely one of the top five classes on Laban Movement Analysis and Bartenieff Fundamentals that I’ve attended. Well, top seven, at least.”

Steve Masters P’11
Course: Magic and Witchcraft in Early Europe
“It was mediocre. The professor was obviously an apprentice at best. He couldn’t even remove this sexually transmitted hex I’ve had for years.”

Thomas Perkins P’12
Course: Psychology of Decision Making
“What did I think? I mean, I don’t—well, I’m not quite sure about that.”

This is not an apology to that stupid cardinal

Dear Wesleyan,

I’m sorry my son’s a book-humping, tofu-eating, nerd-ass little pussy. My name’s Chip O’Hearn, father of James O’Hearn ’13, and this is my formal apology for him fucking up your weekend, but more importantly, being a total loser.

I got to campus Friday night, wigged out on meth and Jack Daniels, only to find my disgrace of an offspring in his room...reading! I started tweakin’ out man, so I said, “I need to get high or things are gonna get ugly, ya know Jimmy? Now where are the parties, you turd tickler?” a reasonable query. He mentioned some a cappella concert. Now, I don’t get mad easily, but the day Chip O’Hearn shows up at a goddamned a cappella concert is the day I castrate myself with chopsticks. Shit, what was I talking about again? I’m really drunk...Anyway, I dragged him to Transformers, where I eventually woke up in a pool of my own urine. Great fuckin’ movie, by the way. Megan Fox’s tits bazoom.

Fast forward to Saturday brunch. I hit the table with seven burger patties and a waffle, and junior’s glaring at me over a salad! Now that was the last straw. Reading was one thing--even I occasionally stop jerking off long enough to read parts of Hustler--but I wasn’t gonna be caught sitting across from some rabbit-fucking Commie! Especially with all those fine, legal-aged ladies running around. Naturally, I pushed the table over and punched him in the face, and then vomited on him. Then he got all indignant on me and ran out crying!

I followed him outside, where he had the Cardinal mascot in a sleeper hold! Next thing I knew, Jimmy dragged him over to North College, shouting something about “ruined my life!” and “I’ll fucking kill them!” He stayed holed up on the top floor for five hours, and it took a tranquilizer gun and a can of mace to get him out...little taint licker lasted longer than I’d thought he would! I guess, in the end, I’m apologizing to you, James. I misjudged you. Sure, you may’ve been expelled...but you made me damn proud. Damn fucking proud.

Chip O’Hearn P’13

Public Safety Incident Report: Family Edition

Friday 11/6/09
11:07 p.m. PSafe and MFD extinguished a brush-fire on High Street caused by a middle-aged man improperly lighting a bong. While resisting arrest, he repeatedly shouted, “I’m down with it! Really, I’m so down!”
11:24 p.m. PSafe apprehended a student’s mother who refused to climb down from the roof of Beta. When anyone approached her, she threw them off the side of the building and yelled “King of the hill!”

Saturday 11/7/09
1:03 a.m. Parent apprehended at unregistered dogfight in Butterfield tunnels. When spotted, he ran from PSafe officers, reportedly yelling “Five oh! Five oh!”
10:37 p.m. Suspicious person reported on Washington Terrace. The grandfather was staring blankly at the side of the CFA cinema, wearing only a loincloth fashioned out of admissions brochures. He was promptly escorted from campus.
11:33 p.m. Public Safety officers raided a speakeasy operating out of a house on Fountain Avenue reportedly organized by Andrew “Fingers” Mancetti ’29. The den of licentiousness was dispensing liquor in vast quantities and playing ragtime music. It posed a clear and present threat to the moral sanctity of the university.

MPD: Now We Hate Your Parents Too

The Wesleyan student body was thoroughly embarrassed Family weekend by the surge in incidents on campus involving alcohol, drugs, and vandalism perpetrated by parents and, especially, grandparents. Several campus facilities were seriously damaged throughout the weekend, and reports of stolen property resulting from break-ins are still being addressed by Public Safety. One ashamed student, who chose to remain anonymous, admitted, “It was almost as terrifying as my Bar Mitzvah.”

It seems that many adults chose to view Parents’ Weekend asa time to cut loose and party like it’s 1969, as a way to spend quality time with their children. Public Safety and event staff members had their hands full trying to contain dozens of severely embarrassing relatives. Many were seen wearing heavy coats and sweatpants during warm weather in obvious attempts to conceal water bottles filled with vodka. And someone spray-painted “Steely Dan” on the outside of Crowell. A spokesperson for the Office of Alumni and Parent Relations conceded that such incidents are bound to occur, but also that a line was definitely crossed when everyone’s parents held a kiss-in at Olin which became a violent orgy and ended in a cloud of smoke grenades and dogs courtesy of MPD.

A confused freshman explained, “I thought my mom was joking when she ended her last email with, ‘Can’t wait to fuck shit up this weekend! Love you.’” On Monday morning, the air was heavy with hurt feelings and hangovers as family members stumbled to their cars and said their goodbyes to their children and new lovers. In other news, the table stolen from PAC was returned, and an economics professor has noted that it reeks of beer and Viagra.