This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Frequent Sexiler Revealed to Have Been Rampant Masturbator All Along

“I guess I just assumed he was quite the Casanova—banging a different girl every night,” says freshman Mike O’Brien ’13 about his roommate, Brendan Surratt ’13, who frequently locked O’Brien out of the room this semester, claiming to be engaging in acts of sexual intimacy with a partner. “If he wanted to jerk off, why couldn’t he just do it in Olin like a normal person?”
O’Brien claims he heard multiple moaning voices emanating from his one-room Fauver double on several occasions, “but on second thought, it did sound a lot like the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs.”
O’Brien’s first clue that something was awry came when he tried to borrow Surratt’s flashlight. What he found was more anatomically accurate, let’s say. “And Mike kept coming back from Weshop with all these bizarre items—melons, cold cuts, enough moisturizer to feed Hawaii for a month. Meal points were no object.”
When confronted over the issue, Surratt allegedly ignored the evidence and responded, “I know you are, but what am I?” He then accused O’Brien of violating the honor code and fled the scene.
The RA for the floor, Micah Peltz ’10, adds, “The rest of the hall has known this for a month. We were wondering when Mike would catch on. That kid’s a fucking idiot. No offense.”