This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/17/09

Fountain Avenue Filthier Than Ever

Dismayed by meager job prospects after college, seniors are rapidly turning to other means of self-employment, namely, dramatic prostitution.

“Fountain Ave is the perfect spot to turn tricks,” says Cynthia Blossomcrest ’10. “After that Fountain Ave incident a few senior-weeks back, people from all over come to the street looking for a party.” She checks her lipstick in a P-Safe vehicle side-view mirror. “And that’s what they’re gonna find.”
Some are pleased to have found a job that doesn’t encroach on their social life, but in fact enhances it. “The only problem is that I run out of outfits more quickly,” sighs Tina Steeplechase ’10. “Luckily, I can wear my American Apparel Pencil Halter Dress in 29 different ways!”

Wesleyan’s Career Resource Center has chosen to embrace, rather than redirect, the seniors’ entrepreneurship. The newly added workshop, “Dress for Sexcess”—where students bring their work outfits to be critiqued—had the biggest turnout of any CRC event to date. Expected to be equally popular is the event scheduled for next week titled, “Using Your Head: Felatio in the Free Market.”
The advantages to this line of work are numerous, say the seniors. “I basically work from home,” says one. “I can do homework while I wait. It’s basically like my job at Olin, only with tips.”

The financial perks are abundant, but it’s the business experience and real-life learning that the seniors find so valuable. Said Leslie Turner ’10, “I’m applying the four ‘P’s’ of marketing: Product, Packaging, Presentation, and…”—“Positions,” her friend finished for her.

Public Safety has discerned no difference in the activity on Fountain. When questioned, an officer commented: “As long as the students stay on the sidewalks, we’ve done our job.”