This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor Against Love

In ancient civilizations, they hadn’t quite figured love out yet. Today, however, we have computers for that kind of shit. Now that emotions (and anti-emotions) come in clearly labeled bottles, people really know what they’re getting out of relationships. Some love mongers complain, like, “Oh, those bastards at Pfizer are making billions off turning us into zombies.” Well I say, it saves time. With facebook live feeds updating every few seconds, there’s very little free schedule-space for that totally unquantifiable emo-jargon called “love.” We should make this word illegal under penalty of exile or smoking an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting.

You know these hippie bipsters with their “peace for all” think they’ve solved the fucking mystery. “All you need is love” my ass-warts. Have they ever seen world peace? How exactly did they become experts on the topic? And if it was that motherfucking easy, why haven’t we done it yet?

What we really need is some more goddamn money.