Thousands of Americans, ready to indulge in one of our nation’s finest traditions by gorging on several pounds of food, were sent fleeing their dining rooms in terror when turkeys all across the nation became reanimated and attacked the would-be revelers.
“I had just finished my second serving of creamed corn and was reaching for the stuffing shovel when I felt a sharp pain in my arm,” recounts Dale Pinkmuddy of Cleveland, Ohio.
“I looked over to see a beak piercing my arm, and the turkey’s blood-red eyes were just staring at me. I threw my son of four years at the beast to distract it long enough for me to escape.”
Patricia Dingusson of Los Angeles had a similar story. “We were right in the middle of saying grace and giving thanks when we heard something gobbling. I told Robert, my youngest, to be quiet and show some respect. When it didn’t stop, I opened my eyes and the turkey was pecking my daughter’s face off.”
Many theories as to why and how the turkeys have become reanimated have arisen, but most experts agree that black magic was most likely the cause.
“The glowing eyes, the hunger for vengeance, the cruel sense of irony, it all points to witchcraft,” said Wesleyan biology Professor Norman Defno. “If it were a virus or some sort of extraterrestrial bacteria, you’d see the infection spreading, but as it stands now, I blame Chinese wizards.”
“The military has been dispatched to all Butterball processing centers in the continental United States,” said a press release from the Department of Homeland Security. “We urge all civilians to remain in their homes and throw out any leftover turkey bits immediately, and for the love of God, do not behead them. Like the mythical hydra, this is how they replicate, as the head will simply grow back and a new body will sprout from the severed cranium. Should confrontation prove inevitable, we have found that basters full of holy water seem to be the most effective method of deterring them, but the only way to actually kill the abominations is to break the wishbone.”