This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Where Is Waldo?

Gendering the “Other” in the Butthole Tree Diaspora: A Senior Thesis

If a tree falls in the Butthole and no one is there to deconstruct its performatively enacted de-ontological teleological construction, does it make a sound?

Let me rephrase. I propose that the recently fallen perennial wooden entity (hence referred to as“Arnold”) manifests its phallic symbolism by positing a hyper-eroticized Other to the flaccid foundation of Summerfields (hence referred to as “Frank”). I propose further that this grotesque sociopolitical foliage-troll—“Arnold”—renders its post-linguistic meta-discourse by forging a grueling post-ideological dialogue with beloved grey-haired “Frank” cashier Susan.

“I knew that damn thing was gonna fall,” Susan tells me, her baby blue eyes alight with the anarchistic byproduct of de-systemized normative construction. “It glared at me, all ugly and ready to crack.” She scowls, her brow furrowed in neo-pedagogical instability. “Points or meal, hon?”

How poetic, then, that our nutrient-sucking phallic friend engendered its own gruesome demise— what I term its “meta-ontological collapse,” of body and of spirit, of bark and of biomass—in the etymologically charged public sphere that is the Butterfields Courtyard. How telling that its homonormative de-edification of the self manifested an ugly ideological counterpart in the seedy throng of frothy, foaming Public Safety officers reporting to the scene.

And, finally, how fitting that its veiny, throbbing, forest-dwelling member blocked Butterfield
access just as its sordid, infective, post-normative meta-presence blocked access to a perceived sort of ideological homeostasis between “Frank” (hereby referred to as “Summerfields”) and “Arnold (hereby referred to as “that goddamn tree”).

This, I propose, is no ordinary tree disaster. This is fierce socio-erotic sabotage.

Advice From Katherine Yagle

Of all the intriguing characters that roam Wesleyan’s campus, there is one in particular whose habits and history baffle us all: The Argus’s own Katherine Yagle. Her upbringing on the mean streets of Fairfield, Connecticut, a town epitomized by the soulful lyrics of pop-rock-blues king John Mayer, bred in her an unparalleled hunger for success. Here, Yagle provides tips on how to stay fresh and avoid being filthy:

Be Involved: In addition to being both inventor- and editor-in-chief of all Wesleyan news, Yagle also heads 90% of clubs on campus, her favorites being Students Anonymous, the Antianticruelty Society, Students Against Naysaying, the Club Club, the Bear Cub Club, and the Wesleyan Spirits. According to Yagle, a full schedule is a student’s best friend. “If you’re sleeping, you’ll end up sweeping… my kitchen floor for a living, you lazy bitch.”

Be Proactive: Not only does Katherine Yagle get things done, she gets them done early. Like, really early. She has received six diplomas worth of credit by finishing assignments for every course that is, was, or ever will be available. She has invented and completed three majors. Yagle is also preparing to teach a course this spring: “An Interdisciplinary Approach to Eyebrow Piercings and Power Walking.”

Be Creative: With no time for research, Katherine Yagle has successfully Mad-libbed every paper she has ever written. Her senior thesis, titled “The Effect of Purple Boogers on Education in My Pants,” will be published by Random House next year.

Be Unavoidable: According to Yagle, students should begin networking early. Whenever possible, befriend prominent faculty or alumni, and anyone who looks like a future CEO, politician, or the offspring of somebody famous. Yagle adds, “When you meet someone who would look good in a suit and may shit cash, attach yourself to them. Grasp them firmly in your bloody talons, and never, ever let them go. Follow them to their classes, parties, and to the bathroom. Who really enforces restraining orders anyway? Sink your teeth into them.”

With methods like these, Yagle is bound for success. She’s only a junior, but her plans for the year include getting EMT-certified, building a media empire, and bearing a strong, healthy son. If that doesn’t work out, she’ll probably open a Yagle’s Bagles shop in Middletown.

Wesleyan Dorms Go Green