This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Empty Thesis Carrels A Haven for Druggies and Wild Animals

This spring’s slackadisical seniors have neglected to clear out and secure their thesis carrels, says a new report from Public Safety, and the derelict cubbies have attracted all sorts of crime and vermin.

 Rabid and/or drunk raccoons have moved into carrels in the basement of SciLi, several of whom are “tripping balls” after ingesting substances they pilfered on Zonker Harris Day. “There is definitely a sperm bank operating out of the fourth floor of Olin,” added Dean Scott Backer, “and at least two meth labs. No one goes there anymore, because no one comes back.”

One senior, Abigail Wright ‘12, fell asleep in her carrel for eighty-seven hours after handing in her philosophy thesis, “Derri- don’t: Meta-Paradox of Ritualistic Thought in Given Time and the Impossibility of Time.” When she awoke to the sound of gunfire several cartel members were already bickering over her carrel-neighbor’s abandoned Teddy Grahams.

“I didn’t understand the language they were shouting in, but it sounded like Laotian maybe?” said a shaken Wright. “I opened the door a bit and almost got mauled by a wolf. Are those even native to Connecticut?”

She managed to secure safe passage to the regular stacks from a passing Ranger who wanted to know which carrels might contain precious metals or fresh water. One senior had set up a twenty-four hour webcam in their carrel and mistakenly left it on after fleeing at 3:58pm on April 15th. The footage has provided valuable clues to the police, who have already identified a Wiccan prostitution league and two currency counterfeiters.

“There are some baboons running around, maybe? They’re hard to identify,” said Scott Backer. “We know they feed on human blood.” Physical Plant plans to fumigate and/or napalm the carrels over summer break, when students won’t be so uptight about the reality of war.