This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Roth’s Workout Obsession

As any tour guide worth their mettle will be glad to tell you, President Roth likes to maintain an active and visible presence around campus. So active, in fact, that the number of hours our president spends at Freeman Athletic Center have increased exponentially in recent years.

“What’s the problem?” questioned Roth from the stair-stepper machine as the sweat gathering on his brow streamed steadily into a stagnant pool of perspiration gathering beneath him, “I can still do my job, I swear.”

“I don’t know,” said a concerned Dave Robbins, ’12, Freeman Center employee and resident muscle-bound DKE bro, “for every hour I spend at bench-press, he spends ten. DO CURLS GET GIRLS!”

Roth’s workout regimen is concerning many of those in Wesleyan’s administration, including ResLife, whose operations directly beneath Roth’s office have been significantly disturbed by the president’s incessant routine of jumping jacks and wind sprints. Roth’s new personal assistant is also feeling the strain. 

“To sustain this level of activity, Michael requires around 8,000 calories per day,” said assistant Brendan O’Donnell. “Most of my job is making pancakes.”