This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


A Few Final Exam Questions

The Ampersand knows that exams are stressful, forcing students to draw from their innermost reserves of perseverance and Adderall. To that end, we’ve compiled sample questions from various finals in order to give you a taste of what to expect.

HIST 136:
The Cold War and espionage
1.Retrieve the microfilm container taped to the underside of your chair.
Did anyone see you get it? Good.
Your directives are contained within. Construct a flowchart to outline the network of opposing agents, and then eliminate the cell’s leader. Good luck. Olin library has umbrella-shotguns and mini-pistols on reserve. Hint: One of your classmates is not who he says he is.

THEA 352:
Nudity on Stage
A recording of the seminal nude work “Rekindling the Heat”, about a senior couple who decide to inject some romance back into their faltering relationship in the most graphic way imaginable is now available on Moodle.  Watch the play in its entirety and then comment on the agency of the female characters, providing screengrabs for reference to particular scenes.

LANG 110
Elementary Melodic Clicking
Translate the following sentences.

MATH 202
Alien Geometries
Construct a diagram of a house with no right angles that might house a being of such pure beauty that a single glance will render one awestruck in rapt insanity.
You may use a calculator.

BiOL 103
Marmosex: Reproduction and Sexual Behavior in Marmosets
1.Find two marmosets and get them to bang. Videotape it.
2.That was pretty hot, wasn’t it?