This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Election Update: Malter Vows To Increase WSA Accessibility

In an ongoing effort to increase accessibility and transparency, WSA presidential incumbent candidate Zach Malter ’13 has announced plans to sleep in a cot in the Butthole every night this week and release his cell number, blood type, credit card number, JC Penney purchase history, and Westicles password to all students on campus.

“Wes students need to know that they can approach me any time, anywhere,” Malter urged, “no matter where I am or which frosh At-Large biddy I’m trying to get with.”

Butts inhabitants have taken to calling Malter’s cot setup “Malterville” while nearby Bayit residents have mistaken it for a Sukkah, replacing Malter’s laptop, toothbrush, and stapler with assorted fruits and skhakh.

“This is fab,” Malter reported. “I’ve never been this approachable. It gets my motor running.”
Malter claims he has recently obtained a pure nylon transparent women’s top, which his mother mailed him from their family home in Irvington, NY.

“I intend to wear this see-through nylon shirt during Tour de Franzia to let everyone on campus know that the WSA can be transparent and let loose at the same freaking time,” Malter told the Ampersand.

Opponent candidate Arya Alizadeh ’13 questions Malter’s accessibility.

“Our new work is far more accessible than any of our older stuff,” assured Alizadeh, who prepared for the cutthroat campaign by shaving his facial hair and undergoing costly removal surgery on his three Diamanda Galás tattoos. “Our first WSA debate was just noise. Critics called it ‘Firkecore.’”