This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor Sells Out

The Ampersand has been struggling lately. 2009 saw the last of a slew of terrible investments, in things like Sony ice cream, helicopter-attachments for horses, and the XFL. There was also that month-long unrelenting onslaught of what we first thought was swine flu, because of the mild fever and dry mouth, but later realized was Romanian hyper-rabies after all the purple-green skin blotches and bloody eyeballs. Due to these unfortunate incidents, coupled with the unfortunate identity theft, the Ampersand has lost all of its money and has decided to sell the entire page to local and national corporate sponsors. We understand how upsetting this must be for the general public, and please be assured that we’ve hand picked our new business partners ourselves, keeping in mind only the best interest and well being of our general readership. Drink RadiCola!


Dieting Is For Chumps! Celebs Use Dietox to Lose Pounds in MINUTES!!!


Let’s face it: You. Are. A fattie. Why do you think that little girl and her dog got stuck in your stomach folds when you bumped into her the other day? But you’re in luck! SamCo has developed a way for you to change your hideous appearance for the better without sacrificing a single ounce of precious bacon grease, and it’s all thanks to Dietox.

Until recently, Dietox was only available to individuals who had yachts big enough to park their helicopters on, but now schlubs and schlubettes just like you can shave off impossible amounts of flab in just days! Using a patented combination of koala nipples and the drained varicose veins of the elderly, Dietox works with your natural body chemistry to reduce fat and accelerate the brain to its full potential. Sixty percent of people who took Dietox in clinical trials said they could now predict their time of death down to the minute, and 90% reported being able to eat an entire typewriter! And that’s not all! Just listen to these real testimonials from satisfied customers!

“Dietox is fantastic! I lost seven pounds in two days, and sometimes I look at the ceiling and these gigantic, many-tentacled beasts are staring down at me and reciting Shel Silverstein!”
–Elissa Pasbench, Skokie, IL

“I don’t even EAT anymore! I just take a Dietox in the morning and spend the rest of the day headbutting monster trucks!”
–Natasha Cavanaugh, Miami, FL

–Frank Walters, Innsmouth, CT

The most common side effects of Dietox include: tongue warts, plumber’s ear, descent into madness, and ritual suicide.

Points Of View

Valentine’s Day wasn’t a heart-shaped success for everyone. In fact, many of us are horribly lonely. How do you get over Valentine’s Day misery?

Anne Norton ’12
“I became a fan of Red & Black Café™ on Facebook! I heard if you become a fan, someone else wins something. Sounds like my love life already.”

Katrina Klein ’11
“I smoked a pack of Camel Cigarettes™— delicious smoke and smooth after-taste. Soon my lungs can be as black as my heart.”

Marcos Garcia ’10
“I headed down to Pet Care Plus™ in Middletown. There’s a special sale on ferrets going on. Bestiality’s just a social construct.”

Sell Us Your Gold!

The Ampersand wants your gold! Now!

For a limited time, the Ampersand will buy any unwanted scrap gold, gold jewelry, penis rings, gold coins, and penis rings!
Best price guaranteed or your penis rings back!
Great way to make some cash!

And for a slightly less limited time, the Ampersand will also buy your:

Big white vans!
Tarps and ropes!
Children’s clothes: used, unused, or still attached!
Baby shoes, never worn
Flintstones painkillers, Flintstones Robitussin®, or Flintstones sedatives!

Contact us now before the FBI does!

Call Wild Bob’s Vigilante Squad For Your Professional Retribution Needs!

So someone stole your bike, and let’s face it, P-Safe is as helpful as falling balls-first into an uncovered spike pit. And then there are times when the law only hinders justice.

Time for Plan X: Wild Bob’s “Iron Talon” Campus Vigilantes.

The Iron Talon is one of the oldest liberal-arts-university-based armed vigilante assassins on the east coast, and we mean it. Since our origin in a horrifyingly serious game of Zombies vs. Humans, we have established commando stations at over twenty college campuses—more than twice the number of our closest competitors! Through dedication and commitment, and a little of that something special, we’ve established a legacy of quality service.

Our vigilantes are among the toughest and wildest in the industry, with nothing but professionalism to back it up, and we can guarantee a cold serving of justice (or even just revenge) within three days of your initial request.

So what are you waiting for? Log on or register an account at For urgent requests, simply fill out a form briefly describing the target and preferred results (return of stolen item, blackmail, torture, etc.). For less urgent but better planned out needs, you may set up an appointment with one of our trained consultants to discuss your case in greater detail.

Also, be sure to check out our summer internship offerings. Pair up with a vigilante one- on-one and dole out some bloody commeupence! Visit website for details.