This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Dieting Is For Chumps! Celebs Use Dietox to Lose Pounds in MINUTES!!!


Let’s face it: You. Are. A fattie. Why do you think that little girl and her dog got stuck in your stomach folds when you bumped into her the other day? But you’re in luck! SamCo has developed a way for you to change your hideous appearance for the better without sacrificing a single ounce of precious bacon grease, and it’s all thanks to Dietox.

Until recently, Dietox was only available to individuals who had yachts big enough to park their helicopters on, but now schlubs and schlubettes just like you can shave off impossible amounts of flab in just days! Using a patented combination of koala nipples and the drained varicose veins of the elderly, Dietox works with your natural body chemistry to reduce fat and accelerate the brain to its full potential. Sixty percent of people who took Dietox in clinical trials said they could now predict their time of death down to the minute, and 90% reported being able to eat an entire typewriter! And that’s not all! Just listen to these real testimonials from satisfied customers!

“Dietox is fantastic! I lost seven pounds in two days, and sometimes I look at the ceiling and these gigantic, many-tentacled beasts are staring down at me and reciting Shel Silverstein!”
–Elissa Pasbench, Skokie, IL

“I don’t even EAT anymore! I just take a Dietox in the morning and spend the rest of the day headbutting monster trucks!”
–Natasha Cavanaugh, Miami, FL

–Frank Walters, Innsmouth, CT

The most common side effects of Dietox include: tongue warts, plumber’s ear, descent into madness, and ritual suicide.