This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Call Wild Bob’s Vigilante Squad For Your Professional Retribution Needs!

So someone stole your bike, and let’s face it, P-Safe is as helpful as falling balls-first into an uncovered spike pit. And then there are times when the law only hinders justice.

Time for Plan X: Wild Bob’s “Iron Talon” Campus Vigilantes.

The Iron Talon is one of the oldest liberal-arts-university-based armed vigilante assassins on the east coast, and we mean it. Since our origin in a horrifyingly serious game of Zombies vs. Humans, we have established commando stations at over twenty college campuses—more than twice the number of our closest competitors! Through dedication and commitment, and a little of that something special, we’ve established a legacy of quality service.

Our vigilantes are among the toughest and wildest in the industry, with nothing but professionalism to back it up, and we can guarantee a cold serving of justice (or even just revenge) within three days of your initial request.

So what are you waiting for? Log on or register an account at For urgent requests, simply fill out a form briefly describing the target and preferred results (return of stolen item, blackmail, torture, etc.). For less urgent but better planned out needs, you may set up an appointment with one of our trained consultants to discuss your case in greater detail.

Also, be sure to check out our summer internship offerings. Pair up with a vigilante one- on-one and dole out some bloody commeupence! Visit website for details.