This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor Fights for Jesus

Welcome to this blessed first issue of the Ampersand Lighthouse Monitor, short for “Ampersand Kingdom Lighthouse Holy Monitor.” We’re very excited to spread God’s lithe, sensuous whispers throughout His kingdom. Hopefully we can even reach the coal-filled hearts of the devil-worshipers at the so-called “school,” Wesleyan University. We all know nothing sucks the light out of Jesus’ heart like Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies.

We’ve got some wonderful articles in this, our first issue, the “genesis,” so to speak. We’ve “intelligently designed” it, sorting through literally, literally, so many hymns to God, Jesus, virgins, the first coming, the second coming, divine love, spirits, celebacy, and most importantly, praying. Without prayer, our lives would just be meanderings through God’s mysterious plan, blind children on a dog leash, like my children. Give it a chance, and maybe you won’t go straight to the devil’s oven of vomit and incest.

With unquestioning devotion,

David the Mouth