This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

2/18/10

Breaking news: Scott Brown Holds Healthcare Bill Hostage

WASHINGTON - Hours before special-election inductee Scott Brown’s confirmation as the junior senator from Massachusetts, Democrats were still hard at work soliciting his support for the health care bill. “This historic piece of legisla- tion was only put at risk by the untimely death of Senator Ted Kennedy”, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV. “Scott Brown doesn’t have to be such an ass-blister about it.”

Brown, when reached for comment, responded, “Hey, the people of Massachusetts have spoken. They don’t want another boring chick in a pantsuit who loves Pottery Barn. They voted for yours truly because of my awesome positions on stuff and my truck and my hot daughters. Basically Massachusetts decided to get down.” The fifty-year-old state senator has shown surprising resistance to Democratic offers of Cape Cod timeshares and $50,000 Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards.

The Republican Brown’s victory was a crushing blow to President Obama’s long-term plan to Do Something. Grassroots support from the Masshole and Bearded-older-man-wearing-a-sandwich-board demographics helped to mobilize apathetic voters against more apathetic voters. 87% of women polled reported being swayed by his 1982 America’s Sexiest Man title from Cosmopolitan Magazine and 63% of men by his rough-looking hands.

Last week, Scott Brown had publicly stated that he was “dead-set” against the health care bill and was “milking this thing like a cow in heat.” Tensions were recently eased, however, when White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel offered Brown a brick of hash for his yea vote. Sources close to Brown report he would have settled for half that much.