This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Take it from Me: God Loves Me

Hey, Wesleyan. Chastity here, your pre-paid calling card to Heaven. Are you happy? Probably not. I am. And that’s because I know I’m loved by my Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. If this sounds appealing to you, I urge you to consider abiding by the principles of Christian Science. “What’s Christian Science, Chastity, and why am I damned to perdition?” you might ask. Christian Science is so so great! It’s like liberalism except true and meaningful. It can be whatever you want it to be but it includes honoring the Lord, acting morally, and not partaking in modern medicine which is the hidden hand of Satan. I mention Christian Science because there are many students here leading lives that are not so great and downright troublesome.

For instance, too many people here sleep during the day. I think that’s wrong. It leads to licentiousness and depravity, which are kind of disruptive when some of us are trying to sleep. Okay? Second, some people are using d-r-u-g-s. I mean the BAD BAD kind, not just the normal bad kind like antibiotics or cough syrup or condoms. When I tell you your room smells ‘weird’ (aka like the Reefer, which I am very aware of) and that maybe some of us want to live in a pleasant and welcoming environment, you don’t have to tell me it’s leftovers or that a squirrel crawled into your radiator and built a nest, I KNOW what is “up.” And you feel good now, but you know what won’t later? Prison. And Hell.

Another example of people not abiding by the Word of God and generally being kind of rude is this whole alchemy thing. I went into Eclectic one morning to drop off some flyers because there are some nice people there but it’s kind of a den of iniquity, and they were distilling what looked like blood and loosing mercury and attempting transmutation. I asked what they were doing and a male student with facial hair said it was a meth lab and told me to stand back, but I know alchemy when I see it. They can’t trick me. My pastor warned us about the dark arts and fluid sexuality. I can smell it a mile a way, so: not cool, guys. When ResLife (and GOD) fines them for those weird symbols on the walls I will not be sorry in the least. So, Wesleyan: just say no to all this stuff, okay? You are better than this!!!