A hostage crisis in the Wasch Center for Retired Faculty prompted shocked University officials to discover the existence of a so-called Wasch Center for Retired Faculty this week.
The building was invaded early Monday afternoon by an aging Swedish terrorist cell. The group, known as “Svěedläsh,” demands that the name be changed to “Wasch Center for Retired Terrorists.”
“As we enter the twilight years of our lives, our interests lie less in letterbombing and more in ‘M.A.S.H.’ reruns,” explained the group in a public statement. “This facility is perfect for us. We just wish it wasn’t so close to the goddamn Butts.”
University officials plan to negotiate each of the terrorists’ demands— including an Admissions-guided tour of Wesleyan—as soon as they can determine whether there are, in fact, any hostages. Early reports suggest they have one confused prefrosh in their possession.