This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Don't Fuck With My Underwear

Attention: laundry room female,

You made the biggest mistake of your life when you took my freshly washed clothes out of the third dryer from the end and dumped them on the counter like a nesting gorilla. You couldn’t wait five minutes? I cramped up on the way back from my jazzercise class and was a little behind schedule. Point is, I now have your denim shorts. The pair that, as they say, makes your booty pop. And don’t pretend like you don’t want them back: maybe you shouldn’t have sewn “my favorite pair of shorts ever” on the inside of the waistband.

My demands are simple. You will return to the laundry room at mid- night tomorrow where you will find another load of my laundry. It’s mostly capes and long underwear. Wash the load, and put it in the dryer. When the cycle ends, I will meet up with you and return your shorts to you. I’ll be the guy wearing your shorts.