This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


&&& Manifesto

The Ampersand is the official organ of the Wesleyan Spartacist Tendency. Our mission is to consolidate a democratic workers’ center in order to prosecute total war against the ruling bourgeois clique in North College and their running dogs in the WSA. Ours is an international, revolutionary, proletarian publication informed by a scientific interpretation of Wesleyan University’s historical trajectory towards socialism. Death to the bourgeois reformists at Ostranenie and the revisionist utopians of the Hermes.

Parents' Weekend PoV

A Letter From My Parents

Dear Colin,

We won’t be there for parents’ weekend. It’s not that your stepfather Gordon and I wouldn’t love to be there—you know what huge Bill Cosby fans we are. And it’s not that we don’t want to see you. It’s that we just don’t want to be seen with you.

All the other parents will be meeting their children’s friends and taking their kids out to nice dinners. But somehow (call it mothers’ intuition) I doubt you’ve been doing too well in the “friends” department.

And do you realize how mortifying it is for us when you have to ask for dairy-free meals at restaurants? Seriously, who can’t handle milk? It’s milk, Colin. Babies drink

God, I need a drink.

What shirt are you wearing right now? You’re wearing the Comic Con 2010 shirt, aren’t you. Jesus Christ, Colin.

I noticed the Weird Al poster isn’t in your room at home anymore. There also seems to be a suspicious lack of anime bullshit on the walls. You brought them to hang in your room, didn’t you? I know you don’t want to hear this from your mother, but that’s no way to get girls. Why don’t you try out a sport? Maybe a sport that isn’t “ruining your parents’ lives”?

Damn your asthma, Colin!

Sorry, that was Gordon. He’s had a little too much to drink. No, Gordon wants me to tell you that he is not drunk. In fact, he’s “never seen more clearly in his whole goddamn life, Linda.”

I hope you’re not too upset about our not coming, sweetie. I just really don’t think we’ll be able to make it this year. Also, we’re visiting your brother Rick at Brown that weekend.

Hugs and kisses,


And Now, A Hamster Collage

FourLoko y Su Hijo

You’ ve done your job pretty well by all accounts. You pulled your anxious offspring through a year of SATs, applications, and acceptance letters, and you lived to tell the tale. All that’ s left to do is pay tuition bills, feel good about yourself, and, every now and then, sneak into your child’ s room, clutch an old stuffed animal to your chest and stare wistfully out the window. Still, you can’ t shake the feeling that something isn’ t quite right, that maybe, somewhere along the way, you made a mistake. And you’re right. You can tell because your child now drinks FourLoko.

FourLoko is an alcoholic energy drink that costs very little. With ten distinct flavors, it’s the malt liquor equivalent of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. And it is the high point of your child’s week.

“I did Blue Raspberry last week,” said Your Child ’14, who has been looking forward to this moment since his hangover wore off at approximately 4:35 last Sunday. “Tonight I’m drinking the Orange flavor.” Well gee, you think, maybe it’ s not that bad. It’s not as embarrassing as crack or vodka-dipped tampons.

“It fucks you up!” said Your Child as the neon colored liquid seeped down his shirt.

Where did you go wrong? Why does your baby boy now turn to that canned fluorescent nightmare on a weekly basis? Maybe you shouldn’t have let him drink so much soda. Maybe you shouldn’ t have used a needle to keep him from wetting his bed.

“Wanna come back-a to my room,” Your Child told Some Girl ’14, “we’ll listen to dubstep, lookit my penizz….”

Well, there’ s really not much you can do about it now. You’ re not about to take the kid out of school, not after the ordeal it took to get the little bastard in. This is the direction society is headed in now, inching toward the inevitable tumble of Western civilization in the year of our Watermelon flavored malt liquor, 2012Loko. You’ re just going to have to get used to it. Here, try this. It tastes like kiwis, if kiwis tasted like refuse and disappointment.

Your Child ’ 14, vomiting, is unable for comment.

My 1st Article: Fall Break

Last week, Wesleyan’s campus students spent its fall break at the same length that it has been over the past however many fall semesters. But students interviews across castes and different social groups disagree unanimous, partially because of unhindering devotion to campus activity and also partially due to wanting to spend larger time with their friends or even families.

In interviews last Saturday, Richie Starzec Freshman testifies: “There is very little
commotion for me with which to occupy myself here during the course of fall break at Wesleyan,” he said. “Everybody’s going away, to home and other places, but my house exists in so far away a locale, that I can’t bring myself to receive transportation to this locale of which I mentioned before so vigorously.”

As it demonstrates with Ms. Starzec, many students see zeself being in unsmiling dilemmae as regards to the certain pickle of the vacant figure of activities, parties, and other on-campus incidents, especially after a certain instance of nighttime swallows campus whole and refuse to belch and vomit.

“The ground assigns a definitive aura, however hazy and unkind, though foggy, of,” said Adriin Brandi Freshman, “death.” “Especially when Wellesley hits fall break,” she affixes to her statement that was previously made prior to the instant she made her current statement, thank you, Adriin, the interview is now over.

“Eat, sleep, blaze; it sums up to equal my mid-October,” PERSON DID NOT WANT TO BE IDENTIFY.

Overall, regardless, people, most students some teachers delight in the prospect of the
return of the winters. But in subsequent autumns most campus denizens suspect a more
confident quality of longer Octobers due to camp’s remoteness control.

Let’s get that remoteness control.