This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

10/26/10

FourLoko y Su Hijo

You’ ve done your job pretty well by all accounts. You pulled your anxious offspring through a year of SATs, applications, and acceptance letters, and you lived to tell the tale. All that’ s left to do is pay tuition bills, feel good about yourself, and, every now and then, sneak into your child’ s room, clutch an old stuffed animal to your chest and stare wistfully out the window. Still, you can’ t shake the feeling that something isn’ t quite right, that maybe, somewhere along the way, you made a mistake. And you’re right. You can tell because your child now drinks FourLoko.

FourLoko is an alcoholic energy drink that costs very little. With ten distinct flavors, it’s the malt liquor equivalent of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. And it is the high point of your child’s week.

“I did Blue Raspberry last week,” said Your Child ’14, who has been looking forward to this moment since his hangover wore off at approximately 4:35 last Sunday. “Tonight I’m drinking the Orange flavor.” Well gee, you think, maybe it’ s not that bad. It’s not as embarrassing as crack or vodka-dipped tampons.

“It fucks you up!” said Your Child as the neon colored liquid seeped down his shirt.

Where did you go wrong? Why does your baby boy now turn to that canned fluorescent nightmare on a weekly basis? Maybe you shouldn’t have let him drink so much soda. Maybe you shouldn’ t have used a needle to keep him from wetting his bed.

“Wanna come back-a to my room,” Your Child told Some Girl ’14, “we’ll listen to dubstep, lookit my penizz….”

Well, there’ s really not much you can do about it now. You’ re not about to take the kid out of school, not after the ordeal it took to get the little bastard in. This is the direction society is headed in now, inching toward the inevitable tumble of Western civilization in the year of our Watermelon flavored malt liquor, 2012Loko. You’ re just going to have to get used to it. Here, try this. It tastes like kiwis, if kiwis tasted like refuse and disappointment.

Your Child ’ 14, vomiting, is unable for comment.