This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor Fights for Jesus

Welcome to this blessed first issue of the Ampersand Lighthouse Monitor, short for “Ampersand Kingdom Lighthouse Holy Monitor.” We’re very excited to spread God’s lithe, sensuous whispers throughout His kingdom. Hopefully we can even reach the coal-filled hearts of the devil-worshipers at the so-called “school,” Wesleyan University. We all know nothing sucks the light out of Jesus’ heart like Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies.

We’ve got some wonderful articles in this, our first issue, the “genesis,” so to speak. We’ve “intelligently designed” it, sorting through literally, literally, so many hymns to God, Jesus, virgins, the first coming, the second coming, divine love, spirits, celebacy, and most importantly, praying. Without prayer, our lives would just be meanderings through God’s mysterious plan, blind children on a dog leash, like my children. Give it a chance, and maybe you won’t go straight to the devil’s oven of vomit and incest.

With unquestioning devotion,

David the Mouth

Points Of View

Recent reports suggest that a surprising number of college hipsters favor the study of creationism over evolution. We surveyed a few to understand their perspective.

James Conrad '12:
“Evolution is just so derivative. Apes are soo homonormative.”

Kara Ludell '11:
“I preferred God’s early work, actually—back when he was opening for Zeus.”

Adam Versace '10:
“I believe in creationism ironically. Go God.”

The Argus Is Punished For Its Sins:

Faith-Base Me, Bra

The Lord works in mysterious ways. That’s why when my car broke down, I was able to take flight on the wings of Jesus, by which I mean I snuck into the open trunk of a car in a parking lots. Or take our situation here at Wesleyan. If we really want to ensure the safety of the endowment, we should ask ourselves: couldn’t prayer take care of most programs for students? Here are some ideas for faith-based programs that would not only help to solve our money woes, but of course, bring us closer to Heaven.

Faith-Based Meal Plans: Why waste meals or points at WesWings and Summerfields? Just hover around the cash register, and when someone gets the same number for their order as your favorite Bible verse, grab it and run.

Public Safety: Simply mutter prayers under your breath as you travel. Potential assailants will be so off put by your obviously pious attitude that they wouldn’t dare attack!

The Ride: Wait at an intersection for a car to pass, then jump on. Ask the Lord to guide the driver towards your destination. Stay onboard until you arrive. If you find yourself being taken out of Middletown, jump off at your earliest convenience and conduct some domestic missionary work. Remember: you ended up where you did as part of God’s plan to convert as many non-believers as possible. Get to it!

Climate Control: Nothing better than a bonfire of science textbooks to keep you warm through those freezing winter nights!

Printing: Bring up the paper on your computer, say five "Hail Mary"s, and sleep. The next day, a hard copy of your paper will be resting on your computer’s keyboard! If not, you either didn’t pray haror are a sinner condemned to hell.

Take it from Me: God Loves Me

Hey, Wesleyan. Chastity here, your pre-paid calling card to Heaven. Are you happy? Probably not. I am. And that’s because I know I’m loved by my Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. If this sounds appealing to you, I urge you to consider abiding by the principles of Christian Science. “What’s Christian Science, Chastity, and why am I damned to perdition?” you might ask. Christian Science is so so great! It’s like liberalism except true and meaningful. It can be whatever you want it to be but it includes honoring the Lord, acting morally, and not partaking in modern medicine which is the hidden hand of Satan. I mention Christian Science because there are many students here leading lives that are not so great and downright troublesome.

For instance, too many people here sleep during the day. I think that’s wrong. It leads to licentiousness and depravity, which are kind of disruptive when some of us are trying to sleep. Okay? Second, some people are using d-r-u-g-s. I mean the BAD BAD kind, not just the normal bad kind like antibiotics or cough syrup or condoms. When I tell you your room smells ‘weird’ (aka like the Reefer, which I am very aware of) and that maybe some of us want to live in a pleasant and welcoming environment, you don’t have to tell me it’s leftovers or that a squirrel crawled into your radiator and built a nest, I KNOW what is “up.” And you feel good now, but you know what won’t later? Prison. And Hell.

Another example of people not abiding by the Word of God and generally being kind of rude is this whole alchemy thing. I went into Eclectic one morning to drop off some flyers because there are some nice people there but it’s kind of a den of iniquity, and they were distilling what looked like blood and loosing mercury and attempting transmutation. I asked what they were doing and a male student with facial hair said it was a meth lab and told me to stand back, but I know alchemy when I see it. They can’t trick me. My pastor warned us about the dark arts and fluid sexuality. I can smell it a mile a way, so: not cool, guys. When ResLife (and GOD) fines them for those weird symbols on the walls I will not be sorry in the least. So, Wesleyan: just say no to all this stuff, okay? You are better than this!!!



Mytheos Holt: Role Model For No One

For too long now, Mytheos Holt has been the self-designated (and universally accepted) voice of conservatism on campus. It is time, now, for the Ampersand to speak out against this claim. Mytheos’ politics are a disgusting mix of damnable lies and deceit— in other words, too liberal for the values that the Ampersand its loyal readers share. The Ampersand denounces Mytheos and his left-wing rhetoric on the following grounds:

- He has driven a Prius.
- He is unmarried.
- He does not believe that Apple’s new iPad is a miracle from
- Once every few months or so, he won’t wear his Republican
- He goes to Wesleyan.

As Mytheos has long held the importance of his presence in Wesleyan political discourse to be based on their controversial nature, the Ampersand argues that its statements are therefore even more important. We demand that on-campus conservatives no longer accept Mytheos as their unofficial speaker and instead revise their statements to be as outrageous as ours.
(Note: Although Mytheos has argued that his readers should not conflate his politics with either religious fundamental or being a general asshole, the Ampersand suggests that ‘conflate’a stupid college-y word that makes the user sound like a douche.)

The Editor On Ransom Notes

When it comes to getting what you want, ransom notes are the most reliable conduit. I leave ransom notes almost everywhere I go. “I’ve taken your little sibling hostage and am feeding him or her a dangerous amount of cotton, even for a resilient 10 year-old. Call this number for instructions.” It’s fantastic. I’ve gotten a free computer that way, a few dozen boxes of Teddy Grahams, even a waterbed. Plus, it strengthens family bonds. I remind people of what’s important in life: family. It’s an invaluable service, the way I see it. On the other hand, when ransom notes fall into the wrong hands, society crumbles like the Teddy Grahams I smash with my computer.


Don't Fuck With My Underwear

Attention: laundry room female,

You made the biggest mistake of your life when you took my freshly washed clothes out of the third dryer from the end and dumped them on the counter like a nesting gorilla. You couldn’t wait five minutes? I cramped up on the way back from my jazzercise class and was a little behind schedule. Point is, I now have your denim shorts. The pair that, as they say, makes your booty pop. And don’t pretend like you don’t want them back: maybe you shouldn’t have sewn “my favorite pair of shorts ever” on the inside of the waistband.

My demands are simple. You will return to the laundry room at mid- night tomorrow where you will find another load of my laundry. It’s mostly capes and long underwear. Wash the load, and put it in the dryer. When the cycle ends, I will meet up with you and return your shorts to you. I’ll be the guy wearing your shorts.

Breaking news: Scott Brown Holds Healthcare Bill Hostage

WASHINGTON - Hours before special-election inductee Scott Brown’s confirmation as the junior senator from Massachusetts, Democrats were still hard at work soliciting his support for the health care bill. “This historic piece of legisla- tion was only put at risk by the untimely death of Senator Ted Kennedy”, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV. “Scott Brown doesn’t have to be such an ass-blister about it.”

Brown, when reached for comment, responded, “Hey, the people of Massachusetts have spoken. They don’t want another boring chick in a pantsuit who loves Pottery Barn. They voted for yours truly because of my awesome positions on stuff and my truck and my hot daughters. Basically Massachusetts decided to get down.” The fifty-year-old state senator has shown surprising resistance to Democratic offers of Cape Cod timeshares and $50,000 Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards.

The Republican Brown’s victory was a crushing blow to President Obama’s long-term plan to Do Something. Grassroots support from the Masshole and Bearded-older-man-wearing-a-sandwich-board demographics helped to mobilize apathetic voters against more apathetic voters. 87% of women polled reported being swayed by his 1982 America’s Sexiest Man title from Cosmopolitan Magazine and 63% of men by his rough-looking hands.

Last week, Scott Brown had publicly stated that he was “dead-set” against the health care bill and was “milking this thing like a cow in heat.” Tensions were recently eased, however, when White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel offered Brown a brick of hash for his yea vote. Sources close to Brown report he would have settled for half that much.

Good Luck, Liam Neeson

Dear Middle-Aged Man Who Used to Work for the Government’s Super-Secret Murder Squad,

We kidnapped your daughter while she was on vacation in Europe because we are evil and vaguely foreign, with very thick accents. Do not go to the police. They are European; so even if we hadn’t bought them off, there’d be dickspittle they could do anyway. Christ, they can’t even use guns in England. Bitch asses.

Anyway, your daughter. We have her, and will sell her into sex slavery unless you pay us an obscene amount of money. We picked her because we were fairly confident her father would be a blubbering pussy who orders bulk Cheetos online. I mean, seriously, what are the odds he’s some highly trained assassin/detective who’s willing and able to rip all of our balls off in a highly marketable tale designed to act as wish fulfillment for an aging demographic?

So, if you ever want to–Alexi, get the door!–Anyway, you will transfer three million in unmarked–Alexi, who was it? Alexi? Holy shit! Arms aren’t supposed to bend that way! Wait–

Oh shit. Oh shit. I didn’t even finish writing the letter, how the hell did he find-AGGH MY TRACHEA.

Breaking: Swedish Terrorism Targets Wes

A hostage crisis in the Wasch Center for Retired Faculty prompted shocked University officials to discover the existence of a so-called Wasch Center for Retired Faculty this week.

The building was invaded early Monday afternoon by an aging Swedish terrorist cell. The group, known as “Svěedläsh,” demands that the name be changed to “Wasch Center for Retired Terrorists.”

“As we enter the twilight years of our lives, our interests lie less in letterbombing and more in ‘M.A.S.H.’ reruns,” explained the group in a public statement. “This facility is perfect for us. We just wish it wasn’t so close to the goddamn Butts.”

University officials plan to negotiate each of the terrorists’ demands— including an Admissions-guided tour of Wesleyan—as soon as they can determine whether there are, in fact, any hostages. Early reports suggest they have one confused prefrosh in their possession.