This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Keep Up The Good Work

Dear Third Grade Self,

Benjamin: just keep on doing what you're doing. You’re getting everything horrendously right. I have a feeling that you know this already. Remember the time when your class was assigned to count the tiles in the hallway, and you multiplied the number of tiles along the length by the number along the width, and afterward, relaxed and drank a juice box while the rest of the class added every single tile? If you can believe it, you only get even more awesome. You are basically the most victorious third grader since Great King Xerxes, and you will continue to display an atrociously unprecedented level of prizewinning qualities. One thing I will say: since you are a staggeringly superior person, other people really don’t matter to you at all. Feel free to invite them to “talk to the hand.” If they persist, remind them that they should “talk to the elbow, because the arms isn’t worth the extension.” Stay away from mirrors; you won’t be able to tear your eyes away. Don’t do drugz, stay in school.

Benjamin Soloway.

P.S. The answer to the extra credit question on your tenth grade history final: "Corsica, at least in part."