This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Public Safety Report - 4/8/11 (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

On Friday, April 8, at 1:14 am, we received an anonymous tip reporting loud music coming from President Roth's High Street home. Fearing student vandalism, Lieutenant Hawkins and I, Officer Johnson, reported to the scene immediately.

When we approached the house, we heard loud music of the dubstep genre being played from speakers located on the ground floor. We did a quick preliminary sweep of the premises before approaching the front door. Lieutenant Hawkins knocked twice, but there was no reply. I also knocked, but no one responded. When there was no response after five minutes, Lieutenant Hawkins opened the door and we entered the house.

Immediately upon entering, we were overcome by the strong smells of alcohol and marijuana. As we walked toward the source of the music, we found ourselves in a strobe-lit living room full of smoke and people. As soon as we stepped into the doorway, someone yelled "PSAFE! EVERYONE RUN!" and chaos broke out. A chair was thrown through a first-story building, and figures began jumping out of it. The one who initially yelled was later identified as a heavily intoxicated Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs Richard T. Culliton.

Lieutenant Hawkins approached a student and asked who was throwing the party. The student declared that it was President Roth's birthday party before telling us to fuck either ourselves or each other, depending on which we preferred. When we asked where the President was, he said that he wasn't around. When we asked the student to clarify, he repeated his vulgar suggestion and jumped out one of three broken windows.

We moved through the party requesting IDs, but all the time looking for President Roth. Sometime between our unfortunate encounter with Dean Mike Whaley and our reaching the back of the room, we saw a tall, bespectacled woman jump from the second story to the ground. As we ran to the window, we saw that it was not a woman at all, but President Roth dressed in a long pink dress and carrying a homemade wand. When we asked him if we could talk to him, President Roth began running across Andrus Field.

Lieutenant Hawkins agreed to stay behind and break up the party if I pursed President Roth. I chased him across campus to where he used his key card to enter WestCollege Unit 3. Roth declared several times, "Boom, boom. I will work my magic. I will not be caught" while continuing to flee from me.

I managed to corner him twenty minutes later in the tunnels below Butterfield B. When I asked him what happened at his house, he only said, "a hell of a good time," and refused to clarify. At the time of his apprehension, he was also wearing only one shoe, a sock on his hand, and elbow pads. He refused to answer any of our questions, simply saying, "Life can be dangerous."

We recorded Michael Roth's Wes ID number and filed this PSafe report, charging him with serving alcohol to minors, drinking alcohol from open containers ourdoors on campus, and smoking of illegal substances on campus property. However, given the unprecedented nature of this report, Lieutenant Hawkins and I have done nothing in the disciplinary realm; sending President Roth before the SJB would be unfortunate since he holds the power to pardon himself. We have decided to simply avoid discussion on the incident and hope that it will never be repeated.

Glorious President Roth Celebrates Birthday, Earth Trembles (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

Our Esteemed Leader Michael Roth celebrated his birthday this week, and as was to be expected, the effects were felt the world over. At least five volcanoes erupted at the stroke of midnight on April 8th. In addition, one thousand cardinals were sighted over South College flying in the shape of an M, no doubt a divine symbol of our President’s power.

“It was...the...most [beautiful] thing I’d...ever [seen],” said Audrey Park ’14, echoing the sentiments of all her classmates. These noble workers striving ever onward to the fulfillment of President Roth’s Glorious Vision also noted that the flowers of the gardens bloomed on this auspicious day, and the internet was faster than ever.

The Wesleyan Student Assembly announced today that in honor of this monumental good fortune bestowed upon them by “their Supreme Benefactor, we have gladly agreed to sacrifice half of our meals that they may go towards accomplishing the President’s Esteemed Four Year Plan.” Upon the announcement, a cheer arose among the representatives at the opportunity to assist the Great President and his administration.

“Truly, we are blessed by his presence on this campus,” said High Minister Andy Tanaka at a banquet honoring the occasion. “Without his guidance, we would doubtless fall prey to the machinations of the imperialist dogs of Vassar and the bourgeois greed of the University of Connecticut. The depths of my happiness at the knowledge of his eternal life know no bounds!”

President Roth was unable to attend the celebration, but an aide was sent on his behalf with the following message: “My heart fills with joy at the devotion and spontaneity behind these events. I unfortunately cannot attend, as I must fulfill a previous commitment I have made to some remote villagers who are being terrorized by a 20-foot tall, fire-breathing half-bear half-snake demon. While I slay the beast, know that all Wesleyan students reside in my heart forever.” The ceremony ended with the unanimous and completely organic 2-hour long chanting of the phrase “Our Great Leader possesses eternal life!”

Roth’s Birthday Nip Slip Astounds North College

Sources inside North College report that university president Michael Roth experienced a wardrobe malfunction yesterday as he walked though the glass connector between North and South Colleges, briefly exposing both of his nipples to the chill morning air.

“We’re still trying to figure out exactly what happened,” said Esteemed Medievalist Gary Shaw, who is serving his fourth consecutive term as Dean of Roth’s Wardrobe. “It’s a real puzzler; there were so many factors involved.”

Immediately following the malfunction, which several North College administrators witnessed, Roth announced that he would launch an inquiry to prevent the mistake from reoccurring.

“We’re using the best technology available in the university’s Quantitative Analysis Center,” said Roth, in an email to the Ampersand. “We’ve created some multilayered algorithms that should help us run various models, which in turn will help us piece together some answers.”

But so far, the inquiry has only raised more questions.

“To be honest, this incident has forced us to reconsider our entire approach,” said Shaw. “I used to tell Michael: when you get dressed in the morning, think Aslan the Lion meets Hilary Clinton meets Reservoir Dogs. All this in a abstract, emotional sense, of course. But after what happened, those sorts of icons really won’t cut it anymore. Now we’re going for more of a samurai/steampunk thing.”

Above: Roth’s prior wardrobe malfunction occurred as he stepped from his private yacht on the Connecticut River.

The Making of a President: The Conception of Michael Roth

Isaac had not enjoyed the week leading up to his nephew Ezra’s Bar Mitzvah. A bad sinus infection, his dismissal from the insurance firm where he had worked for the past few years, and the discovery that his divorce lawyer had been getting off with his ex-wife had amounted to a veritable clusterfuck that was systematically tearing apart his life. That the week had ended in a seemingly interminable plane ride to Evanston, IL, during which he twice had to sneak off to the particularly pungent bathroom for some muffled weeping, had certainly not improved things in the slightest. Upon meeting him at the airport, his brother Abe had droned on with a characteristic smugness, giving Isaac a full account of his work at a brutally uninteresting financial advisory firm and Ezra’s painstaking preparation for “manhood,” a word that he ritualistically repeated until he sounded suspiciously like Isaac’s ex-wife. Now there was nothing left for Isaac to do but make clumsy attempts to recline in the spartan, uncomfortable pews and visualize Ezra’s recitation of the story of David and Bathsheba, certainly the most titillating of all Torah portions.

“Oh yes, Bathsheba,” Isaac thought to himself, “I have sent your husband away to die and now you will lie with me, the king of Israel and Judah.”

In the next pew over, sat Ester, the zaftig local Hebrew teacher, who had begun to take vested interest in Isaac’s bulging dress pants. Ester had drank a couple too many bottles of Manischewitz on the car ride over, still unable to get over the good news of her sister’s engagement to a respectable man who had the unbeatable combination of a distinguished jawbone and a BMW. Extending her neck and darting her bloodshot eyes about like a meerkat, she scanned the synagogue for anyone not minding their own business, than tentatively lay her hand on Isaac’s crotch. Their eyes met in an awkward tempest of confused passion.
As Ezra explained what his torah portion meant to him, something about the preeminence of family and academic integrity, Isaac and Ester quietly stole off, one at a time, to the synagogue’s most remote handicapped bathroom. Averting eye contact, Isaac passionately threw off his yarmulke, revealing his balding crown, then wiggled out of his pants. She violently burst forth from her dress, which was perhaps a size or two too small, and thrust herself upon him like a tigress. They fell to the floor and began humping with a cheerful exuberance. She kept her socks on out of insecurities about her toes, which were webbed like a frog’s. He took note of the floor, certainly the most hygienic of any bathroom in the county, a true testament to the piousness of the synagogue’s community and the quiet dignity of the disabled. It was not the best climax of Isaac’s life, but it would, in the scheme of things, turn out to be his last.

Meanwhile, a giant cardinal flew over Brooklyn and descended at the doorstep of Morton and Isabelle Roth. With great effort it expelled a large, speckled egg from its rear. The mystified Roth couple took the egg into their abode and protected it. Eight weeks later, a beautiful boychild emerged from his shell. The couple was amazed, overjoyed, and relieved. They could now experience the joys of parenthood without spoiling the purity and moral cleanliness of their marital bed, which would indeed remain preserved by the Roth’s unconsummated union.

Roth Just Casually Wondering if Elton John is Available for Spring Fling

Sources close to President Roth confirmed yesterday that the 54-year-old university administrator has been “just casually wondering if Elton John might possibly be available to perform at Spring Fling,” possibly going so far as to “you know, just browse by his website, no big deal.” Roth assured that he is not questioning the Social Committee’s lineup. “Just, y’know, out of curiosity,” Roth clarified via email. “It’s not like I don’t think our lineup is cool or anything. The Wavve-Tang Clan definitely brings down the house.” John, 64, is scheduled to tour Minnesota and Canada in early May and will not be performing at Wesleyan.

Tweet from Piers

Mike Is Carousing; / Having An Eggnog Latte, / Rolling On The Hill.

New Michael Roth Tumblr Just Pictures of Roth Smiling

Authorities uncovered a highly disturbing account this weekend, which they believe to belong to President Roth.

Titled “Roth Has Smiles,” the blog features extensive photography of Roth smiling in various locations around both his house and the globe.

“We’re not sure what could have driven him to this point,” explained Director of Media Relations David Pesci. “But we’re all hideously appalled.”

President Roth could not be reached for comment; he is thought to be busy practicing smiling while performing various gymnastic stances in his office in South College.

An Email from Joshua Boger, Chairman of the Board, Regarding Michael Roth’s Contract Extension

On March 1st, I sent out an email to the Wesleyan community announcing that Michael Roth’s contract has been extended for another seven years. Many faculty and student assumed that we meant seven more years of President Roth, but this is not the case. We apologize for the lack of clarity in our previous message.

I was referring to Michael Elias Roth, the chimneysweep who cleans the Usdan chimneys every other Sunday. Over the course of his illustrious seven-month career, Mr. Roth’s dedication and sticktoitiveness have garnered the attention of the administration and we feel the urge to reward him. When we began hiring for various staff positions at the university, we never knew we’d see somebody so enthusiastic about—and also so skilled at—a job that seemed, at least to us, so depressing.

But when we first interviewed Mr. Roth for the job, we knew right away that we were in for a treat. Roth has a kind of “whistle-while-you-work” demeanor that evokes the spirit of Bert from Mary Poppins. His passion for chimneysweeping is truly inspiring, to the point that community members have even commented.

In addition to the contract extension, Michael Elias Roth will also be receiving a new email address:

Roth Still Drinks Breast Milk

This week, an Ampersand investigation uncovered a shocking facet of university president Michael Roth’s otherwise-impeccable lifestyle: he has yet to wean himself off of breast milk.

A series of desperate request forms posted in Usdan, ranging from “BRST MLK PLZ,” to “Supply breast milk or I will ire you,” tipped off Bon Appetit that a culinary nonconformist hides among us. Then on Saturday, Fat Lisa ’13, the only sober student at Late Night, spotted the sobbing President rummaging behind the fruit bins in the refrigerators.

Cranky Roth has even turned to Twitter to voice his complaints, tweeting, “Quench my thirst with what I knew first,” “Moo Juice < Mom Juice,” and “this just in… another cosmic fastball from theMind of your fav Warlock; #Breastmilk. #Winning.”

Like newborns, President Roth must be fed every two hours, and his harem of wet nurses resigned earlier this week when the teeth marks and demanding schedule became too much to handle. Roth’s Nanny, Carly McMahon, says that she will work with the culinary manchild in the coming weeks on developing a taste for solid foods. In the meantime, however, guests at Friday’s birthday bash should avoid the tres leches.

Other Shit That Happened on April Eighth

April 8th, Michael Roth’s birthday, could in fact be one of the worst days of all time. Honestly, Michael, you should be ashamed.
  • On this day in 1906, the first person to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease died. Oh, have a bigger piece of cake, Mikey! There’s more where that came from!
  • In 1908, Harvard University voted to establish the Harvard Business School. The stars had aligned: on this day, hordes of elitist, gladhanding college graduates were given the opportunity to continue their douchebaggery in a new building. And then, 49 years later, our esteemed President was born!
  • In 1916, racecar driver Bob Burman crashed on the track, killing three spectators. What time’s the party at?
  • In 1970, Israeli bombers struck an Egyptian school, killing 46 children who were probably napping, coloring outside the lines, enjoying snack time, or doing something else cute. How’s that doctorate in the history of history taste, Michael? Just saying.
  • In 1973, Pablo Picasso dropped dead at a dinner party. What? Your new Kindle has a color screen? I heard you can get magazines on that thing!
  • Fifty-eight people with Wikipedia articles died on April 8. That’s way too many.
On the bright side, 4/20 is less than two weeks away. Happy fucking birthday.