This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Editors' Note

The Ampersand Evangelical Science Monitor is the official organ of the Young Earth Creation Science Institute of the Wesleyan World Hope Unity Church, an evangelical Body in Christ.

In light of recent events, the editors of the Ampersand Evangelical Science Monitor invite you to embrace the light of God into your hearts and souls, and to live with Him in your beings, in Earth and in Heaven, now and always. As the brothers of Beta test our faith and the Lord Jesus reveals Hirself in Hir glory in the sky above, we must strive on, in this mortal life, to pray and thrive in the grace and the glory of the Holy Spirit. If anything feels “not right,” trust yourself. We do this for your wellbeing. We ain’t claiming no animal as our relative.
—Benjamin & Zach

Tweet from Piers

The opposite of being frustrated about the dificulty of communicating in a foreign language is pretending you don’t understand dubious requests to borrow your cell phone.
—Saint Gelly

Parish Views: Betagate

Dear Editors:

In banishing Beta Theta Pi from campus, God-hating President Michael Roth presumes to have rid the University of its last bastion of true Christian righteousness: its evangelical fraternity. He and his Satan-loving running-dogs in the Wesleyan administration seek to soil Wesleyan with the Godless stains of atheism, Darwinism, and sodomism. But Roth will soon reap the Fruits of his Unbelief in the fires of Hell.

The brothers of Beta pray devoutly, and they routinely pregame Sunday worship with independent bible study sessions. On a typical weekend night, most students do naked spliffs and blast popular heathen songs such as “My Humps” and “Stairway to Heaven,” but Beta’s walls invariably reverberate with the deep bass tones of Gregorian chanting. Moreover, all Beta brothers prominently wear chastity rings to display their commitment to the ascetic lifestyle demanded in the Rule of Saint Betalberg (the charter created by the order’s founder after his mystical experience on the slopes of Foss Hill in 1328).

Before the Holy Fraternity was banished from campus, the brothers were in the process of starting a communion wine co-op. This idea has since been twisted by Wesleyan’s pagan dairy worshippers into a Godless cheese co-op (for every God-fearing Christian knows that to drink the milk or partake of the cheeses of a beast of the earth is a sin).

“O the wickedness of those who blaspheme God by denying His eternal Power and Godhead!” exclaimed Beta President Brad Conley ’11 upon hearing the news of Beta’s banishment from campus. He proceeded to prostrate himself before the Natty Ice-stained cross that hangs in the center of Beta’s common area and lagellate himself with a flaming cat-’o-nine-tails.

Yours in Christ,
Pastor Phred Felps

An Open Letter from Dean Whike Maley to the Wesleyan Community:

I write to you on behalf of Our Lord and Master Michael Roth, him-self away on a goodwill pilgrimage tracing the Children’s Crusade in Italy. As students around the country received ED-II decisions with devotional praise or renewed feelings of inadequacy, you may have noticed that the number of applications to Wesleyan University decreased. By almost 5%. The Class of ’15’s loss of interest is mystifying, considering the revival of Biblical legal ethics across Our Great Country and the fact that our peer institutions, Williams College, Vassar Correctional Institute, and St. Bartholomew’s Mission for Wayward and Godless Girls, saw no such depreciation.

To what can we attribute this cutback in application numbers? Is it a symptom of the loss of Methodist values in a degenerate youth culture distracted from God by Canadian pop stars and caffeinated malt liquors? No, my friends. It is none other than the pernicious influence of that depraved pagan brotherhood of High Street, Beta Theta Pi.

The fraternity of Brigands, Thugs, and Pillagers established itself in 1890 at its current location, 184 High Street. Since then, it has extended its depraved sphere of inluence into the workweek with institutions such as Wednesday Night Ruit, Thursday Night Flunitrazepam Bar, and Friday Night Bon Jovi Singalongs. Even Neon Deli, once a late-night haven of philly cheese steaks and marked-up cigarettes, has been reduced to a squalid den of pagan ritual and clumsy racism.

We can only assume the worst has yet to come.

So with neighborly affection I invite you, on behalf of Minister of Propa-ganda Reich Culliton and myself, Dean Whike Mailey, to a lemonade round-table for the inception of the Wesleyan Sacred Alliance for the Suppression of the Judaic Bloc (WSA-SJB). Join hands as we develop sinister initiatives and make colorful posters to drive this amoral Bolshevik menace from our midst (Bring Your Own Glitter Glue)! Take a stand to preserve the moral sensibilities of our shining institution and the virtue of our womenfolk! Also, there will be a Bake Sale, so be sure to bring your money and friends to support your modest fellow Crusaders!

RSVP with email to Wesleyan Association for the Reverence Of Necromancy Brotherhood of the End of Times, Arboretum division (WAR ON BETA) office assistant Rob Wohl at, or by carrier pigeon to Snagov Monastery, CC: Vlad Dracul the Undead, 2241 Armory Drive, Bucharest.

Yours truly,
Dean Whike Maley

Freshman Astronomer Makes God-Affirming Discovery

Yesterday evening, during a stargazing session for Professor Seth Redfield’s introductory astronomy course, Eliot Lambkin ’14 turned Van Vleck Observatory’s historic 20-inch telescope toward a cosmological coordinate that astronomers had previously neglected to observe. He discovered something extraordinary.

Although scientists, theologians, analysts, politicians, and people of every race, gender, and creed are still grappling with Lambkin’s discovery, one fact remains certain: Jesus Christ, both fully Human and fully Divine, is the Lord of Man and the Son of God.

Christian scientists have long defended the validity of Christ, but Lambkin’s discoveries confirm that Christ (as an element of the Trinity, or Godhead) is the creator of the Universe and the conduit for God’s vision of enteral salvation for man.

“At first I thought it was just a fucked up galaxy,” said Lambkin, describing his initial observation. “But then I realized it was definitely a dude in outer space.”

After identifying the individual as Jesus, Lambkin alerted his TA, who got in touch with authorities at NASA and the International Astronomical Union. Hours later, both organizations issued press releases confirming that the cosmic figure—discovered π arcminutes north of the Little Dipper—was indeed Christ.

“I used to be a Jew,” said Lambkin, who was canonized as a saint after yesterday’s discovery. “But I know Jesus when I see him.”

The Jews, long possessed of the opinion that they were God’s chosen people, were among the first to concede the legitimacy of the Christian faith. The Anti-Defamation League issued a statement announcing the disbanding of Judaism and acknowledging that Christians who prosecuted Jews throughout history were “probably right all along.”

The governing bodies of all other major world religions quickly followed suit, encouraging their followers to undertake a swift and painless conversion to Christianity. Since Lambkin’s observation, all wars have ceased and no murders or other crimes have been committed. A period of global understanding and harmony has commenced.

The Vatican, meanwhile, announced a partnership with NASA in sending a shuttle filled with specially trained priests to intercept Jesus, to greet Him, and to offer to facilitate the second coming by retrieving Him and towing Him into Earth’s orbit. Critics of the plan liken it to the Tower of Babel, which brought about the divergence of languages and various other hardships for humanity.

“I’ve been struggling with ‘big questions’ my whole life,” said Lambkin. “That’s part of why I chose to take ‘Astronomy 102’. Like, if God is real, why do we have evil?”

Now all those questions are answered.