This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Freshman Astronomer Makes God-Affirming Discovery

Yesterday evening, during a stargazing session for Professor Seth Redfield’s introductory astronomy course, Eliot Lambkin ’14 turned Van Vleck Observatory’s historic 20-inch telescope toward a cosmological coordinate that astronomers had previously neglected to observe. He discovered something extraordinary.

Although scientists, theologians, analysts, politicians, and people of every race, gender, and creed are still grappling with Lambkin’s discovery, one fact remains certain: Jesus Christ, both fully Human and fully Divine, is the Lord of Man and the Son of God.

Christian scientists have long defended the validity of Christ, but Lambkin’s discoveries confirm that Christ (as an element of the Trinity, or Godhead) is the creator of the Universe and the conduit for God’s vision of enteral salvation for man.

“At first I thought it was just a fucked up galaxy,” said Lambkin, describing his initial observation. “But then I realized it was definitely a dude in outer space.”

After identifying the individual as Jesus, Lambkin alerted his TA, who got in touch with authorities at NASA and the International Astronomical Union. Hours later, both organizations issued press releases confirming that the cosmic figure—discovered π arcminutes north of the Little Dipper—was indeed Christ.

“I used to be a Jew,” said Lambkin, who was canonized as a saint after yesterday’s discovery. “But I know Jesus when I see him.”

The Jews, long possessed of the opinion that they were God’s chosen people, were among the first to concede the legitimacy of the Christian faith. The Anti-Defamation League issued a statement announcing the disbanding of Judaism and acknowledging that Christians who prosecuted Jews throughout history were “probably right all along.”

The governing bodies of all other major world religions quickly followed suit, encouraging their followers to undertake a swift and painless conversion to Christianity. Since Lambkin’s observation, all wars have ceased and no murders or other crimes have been committed. A period of global understanding and harmony has commenced.

The Vatican, meanwhile, announced a partnership with NASA in sending a shuttle filled with specially trained priests to intercept Jesus, to greet Him, and to offer to facilitate the second coming by retrieving Him and towing Him into Earth’s orbit. Critics of the plan liken it to the Tower of Babel, which brought about the divergence of languages and various other hardships for humanity.

“I’ve been struggling with ‘big questions’ my whole life,” said Lambkin. “That’s part of why I chose to take ‘Astronomy 102’. Like, if God is real, why do we have evil?”

Now all those questions are answered.