This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

2/22/11

Parish Views: Betagate

Dear Editors:

In banishing Beta Theta Pi from campus, God-hating President Michael Roth presumes to have rid the University of its last bastion of true Christian righteousness: its evangelical fraternity. He and his Satan-loving running-dogs in the Wesleyan administration seek to soil Wesleyan with the Godless stains of atheism, Darwinism, and sodomism. But Roth will soon reap the Fruits of his Unbelief in the fires of Hell.

The brothers of Beta pray devoutly, and they routinely pregame Sunday worship with independent bible study sessions. On a typical weekend night, most students do naked spliffs and blast popular heathen songs such as “My Humps” and “Stairway to Heaven,” but Beta’s walls invariably reverberate with the deep bass tones of Gregorian chanting. Moreover, all Beta brothers prominently wear chastity rings to display their commitment to the ascetic lifestyle demanded in the Rule of Saint Betalberg (the charter created by the order’s founder after his mystical experience on the slopes of Foss Hill in 1328).

Before the Holy Fraternity was banished from campus, the brothers were in the process of starting a communion wine co-op. This idea has since been twisted by Wesleyan’s pagan dairy worshippers into a Godless cheese co-op (for every God-fearing Christian knows that to drink the milk or partake of the cheeses of a beast of the earth is a sin).

“O the wickedness of those who blaspheme God by denying His eternal Power and Godhead!” exclaimed Beta President Brad Conley ’11 upon hearing the news of Beta’s banishment from campus. He proceeded to prostrate himself before the Natty Ice-stained cross that hangs in the center of Beta’s common area and lagellate himself with a flaming cat-’o-nine-tails.

Yours in Christ,
Pastor Phred Felps


An Open Letter from Dean Whike Maley to the Wesleyan Community:

I write to you on behalf of Our Lord and Master Michael Roth, him-self away on a goodwill pilgrimage tracing the Children’s Crusade in Italy. As students around the country received ED-II decisions with devotional praise or renewed feelings of inadequacy, you may have noticed that the number of applications to Wesleyan University decreased. By almost 5%. The Class of ’15’s loss of interest is mystifying, considering the revival of Biblical legal ethics across Our Great Country and the fact that our peer institutions, Williams College, Vassar Correctional Institute, and St. Bartholomew’s Mission for Wayward and Godless Girls, saw no such depreciation.

To what can we attribute this cutback in application numbers? Is it a symptom of the loss of Methodist values in a degenerate youth culture distracted from God by Canadian pop stars and caffeinated malt liquors? No, my friends. It is none other than the pernicious influence of that depraved pagan brotherhood of High Street, Beta Theta Pi.

The fraternity of Brigands, Thugs, and Pillagers established itself in 1890 at its current location, 184 High Street. Since then, it has extended its depraved sphere of inluence into the workweek with institutions such as Wednesday Night Ruit, Thursday Night Flunitrazepam Bar, and Friday Night Bon Jovi Singalongs. Even Neon Deli, once a late-night haven of philly cheese steaks and marked-up cigarettes, has been reduced to a squalid den of pagan ritual and clumsy racism.

We can only assume the worst has yet to come.

So with neighborly affection I invite you, on behalf of Minister of Propa-ganda Reich Culliton and myself, Dean Whike Mailey, to a lemonade round-table for the inception of the Wesleyan Sacred Alliance for the Suppression of the Judaic Bloc (WSA-SJB). Join hands as we develop sinister initiatives and make colorful posters to drive this amoral Bolshevik menace from our midst (Bring Your Own Glitter Glue)! Take a stand to preserve the moral sensibilities of our shining institution and the virtue of our womenfolk! Also, there will be a Bake Sale, so be sure to bring your money and friends to support your modest fellow Crusaders!

RSVP with email to Wesleyan Association for the Reverence Of Necromancy Brotherhood of the End of Times, Arboretum division (WAR ON BETA) office assistant Rob Wohl at wholewhol@wesleyan.edu, or by carrier pigeon to Snagov Monastery, CC: Vlad Dracul the Undead, 2241 Armory Drive, Bucharest.

Yours truly,
Dean Whike Maley