This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Ex-West Coast Rapper Pimps Ride

Last week, the popular MTV show Pimp My Ride confirmed what many fans had suspected all season: one of the Wesleyan Ride vans will be the show’s next “pimped out” car, ending its career as a domestic transportation vehicle.

“It’s going to be hard for all of us,” said longtime driver Gerald Hotchkins at the taping of the show. “We’ve been through a lot together, but I guess that this ol’ girl had this coming. Shelly,” he said, turning towards the van, “I hope you never forget where you came from.”

The car, which traces its alluring lineage back to a 1983 Chevrolet Express and a 1974 Ford Econoline, is expected to be “the sexiest thing to ever hit a Middletown street corner.”

“There’s a lot of aftermarket parts in this baby,” said technician Charles S. Werthing, who designed the paint job and customized weave. “Despite being a total mess when we got it, everything was running smoothly internally, if you know what I mean. We put on the red and black stripes at the last minute to match the custom 28” chrome Pirellis, and we added xenon fog headlights. We were going to install a blacklight in the back, but the seats looked like a black and white Jackson Pollack painting so we went with the goldfish tank.”

Due to Wesleyan’s new environmental regulations, Ride vans must have a minimal carbon footprint. Accordingly, the addition of a nitrous-oxide fuel injector was explicitly prohibited and the van’s route was restricted to “Court and Williams St. between 1 and 5 A.M”.

“Though we couldn’t put the blue flame stuff in the exhaust pipes, I’m pretty happy with Xzibit’s work,” said Charlie Greengould, Class of 2013. “Sure, it may not do 0-60 in five seconds, but taking the ride isn’t about quantity, its about quality. Last time I took the ride, I only lasted maybe twenty seconds."

“Pimping the ride is a great opportunity for both the school and MTV,” said WSA representative Emilius Miles ‘13 as mechanics gave the car a thorough waxing and added numerous decals, prepping it for life on the streets of Middletown. “So many cars end up as scrap metal, or being sold to wealthy gentleman who mistreat them — all of that is inhumane.”

Added Miles, “Letting the van drive around Middletown during the good weather, enjoying the best care that Connecticut has to offer, sipping on only premium diesel, and being mounted over and over again until the odometer rolls over... that’s a life any van would love.”