This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/21/10

An Open Letter to the Current Occupant of My Old Dorm Room

So you got thrown in Clark 403, huh? Cool story, bro. I lived in that room frosh year, and let me tell you: as long as you snag enough peroxide to wipe aside all the blood and semen stains, it’s a pretty sweet pad. (Just kidding. Ammonia actually works better on the stains.) Anyway, here are some tips on how make the bestest out of my old home:

- If the bed begins to creak, try Reverse Cowgirl.
- Olin’s right next door; when the lighting’s right, students in 3A thesis carrels have a direct view into your room. Pose accordingly—your exposed member is prime inspiration for that kid writing his thesis on Meteorological and Glacial Ablation Controls in Norway.
- Sorry about the closet stench. I guess I was just never all too comfortable using a gender-neutral bathroom.
- Rumor has it Michael Bay ’86 occupied this room during the 1982–83 school year. As a proper tribute, please be sure to masturbate to the Transformers soundtrack at least twice a week.
- That peephole in the wall is perfect for watching the girl next door as she watches Gossip Girl and eats Beef-A-Roni.
- Don’t mind the badgers.

There you have it—you’re practically living in a palace! Enjoy your time in the good ol’ 403.

Hugs and kisses, Zach