This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


An Open Letter to the Current Occupant of My Old Dorm Room

So you got thrown in Clark 403, huh? Cool story, bro. I lived in that room frosh year, and let me tell you: as long as you snag enough peroxide to wipe aside all the blood and semen stains, it’s a pretty sweet pad. (Just kidding. Ammonia actually works better on the stains.) Anyway, here are some tips on how make the bestest out of my old home:

- If the bed begins to creak, try Reverse Cowgirl.
- Olin’s right next door; when the lighting’s right, students in 3A thesis carrels have a direct view into your room. Pose accordingly—your exposed member is prime inspiration for that kid writing his thesis on Meteorological and Glacial Ablation Controls in Norway.
- Sorry about the closet stench. I guess I was just never all too comfortable using a gender-neutral bathroom.
- Rumor has it Michael Bay ’86 occupied this room during the 1982–83 school year. As a proper tribute, please be sure to masturbate to the Transformers soundtrack at least twice a week.
- That peephole in the wall is perfect for watching the girl next door as she watches Gossip Girl and eats Beef-A-Roni.
- Don’t mind the badgers.

There you have it—you’re practically living in a palace! Enjoy your time in the good ol’ 403.

Hugs and kisses, Zach