This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/21/10

How To Dress For Success At College Parties

So your friend told you about a “crazy rager” on Fountain where everyone is “mad wasted” and there are totally “girls.” Hey, that’s great, guy. But wait! What are you going to wear?

We at the Ampersand know how tough it is for gentlemen to pick out outfits. If you’re ever unsure how to best express yourself through your clothes and accessories, here are a few helpful hints that apply to literally any party scenario:

- Girls love wolves howling at the moon. Wear a wolf t-shirt anywhere on your body and watch the ladies come running. Be sure to quote Wolf Blitzer, carry your favorite Tom Wolfe novel and talk about your plans to go WWOOFing next summer.
- One word—Headband. Another word—TWO headbands.
- Do you want to convey that you’re a sensitive, artsy type? Why not wear a beret? Or why not wear a beret… and nothing else? After spending the week working out at Freeman, there’s no better way to show off that rockin’ body of yours while still showing people that you’re totally alternative. (Did we mention that the beret should be hanging on your dick? It should be hanging on your dick.)
- This next piece of advice is strictly for those who play the didgeridoo. If you don’t own/play the didgeridoo, stop reading right now:

All right didgeridudes, here’s the deal: As soon as there’s a lull in those fresh “party jams,” start blowing away on that hollowed out piece of wood of yours.
Wesleyan is a school that appreciates diversity and different cultures, so the other students at the party will no doubt embrace your attempt to share your culture. In no time at all you’ll have “heaps” of new “mates” and attention from a whole bevy of “sheilas.” But be careful not to play so loudly that P-Safe is called— that’s a major didgeriDON’T.