This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Minority House Chronicles: 200 Church Comin’ Atcha

“I was a little surprised to find out ResLife housed me in 200 Chuch, because the 2014 Facebook group said it was a minority house,” said Albert Goldberg-Hilert ’14. “But then I thought, ‘Oh, maybe it’s because I’m Jewish.’”

The first few weeks for the freshmen went by without a hitch. Everyone became friends, but no one was quite sure my this particular group of freshman had been selected for residency in 200 “Minority House” Church. However, a few weeks into school, the true meaning of “Minority House” became apparent.

“Everyone was hanging around one night, playing pool and stuff, and we were blaring music,” said Robert Kownacki ’14. “Typical stuff for us, really. Weezer, Foo Fighters, MGMT… but then the next song came on, and it was “Big Poppa” by Biggie. I think we all felt like someone should change the track, but people suddenly started nodding their heads along with it, rapping with it even. Before I knew it, the whole house was drankin’, smokin’, straight west-coastin’!”

At that moment it became clear that 200 Church in fact houses the small minority of Wesleyan students who enjoy rap music. Every night since, the floor level of Minority House has been a grotto for hip-hop enthusiasts to bathe in the likes of everything from Cameo to NWA. (Am I allowed to say the ‘N’ when I say ‘NWA’? You know what it stands for, right?) It’s no secret Wesleyan students can’t “Fight the Power” when 200 Church residents “Bring the Noise,” but some university officials “Don’t Believe the Hype.”

“Whenever someone’s peeking into the girl’s locker room, it’s Minority House,” said Fran Koertig, Director of Residential Life. “Whenever half the campus reeks of marijuana, it’s Minority House. Whenever empty kegs are thrown off the roof of Allbritton, it’s Minority House!”

Because of 200 Church’s growing notoriety, Public Safety has been making frequent visits to the house in search of contraband related to rap music, including automatic firearms, purple drank, and cocaine.

“They thought I was a donut; they tried to glaze me,” said Alexander Lewis ’14.

The residents of 200 Church have made their intentions clear, stating that there is no party like a 200 Church party “‘cause a 200 Church party don’t stop!” This funkadelic, supa-fly locomotive of a party house is full-steam ahead on a collision course with no end. It might be best for everyone to just “let it be.”