To all company personnel and members of the office community,
Many of you have already been notified that someone defecated in the elevator, and shortly thereafter on the second-floor rug between the copy machine and the supply closet. It should also be made clear at this time that the tupperware container wrapped in duct tape has been removed from the refrigerator and discarded. It was totally poop. The other pile on the windowsill near Scott’s desk has been dealt with similarly. It is still under review whether the pasta salad in the break room was ever safe to eat. I’ve heard that many of you may have been inconvenienced to come across human feces in your place of work, and a negative reaction is I guess understandable. As the investigation continues, professional trauma counselors will be made available for individual or group meetings in the conference room on Tuesday and Thursday morning and afternoon, respectively. And as mandated, I am publicly apologizing for any emotional distress that I may have caused due to poor judgment and irresponsibility. I’ve promised to try really hard not to let it happen again.
Tom Tarten, V.P., Human Resources