This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

10/7/09

Rant from the Lord

I’m just sick of it.
Every time someone sneezes, one of you do-good hippies is right there with a “God bless you.” That means instead of diverting a civilization-ending meteor, I’ve gotta haul ass to Des Moines to grant some jerk-ass a divine benediction. And half the time I’m blessing total douche rockers. You think I like giving celestial favor to Rush Limbaugh? How about Stalin? I could go on.
I’d love to show you my newest creation, the Horned Cacklebungler, a four-legged mammal that slobbers rainbows and pisses pure joy. I would be happy to take care of all those droughts, or maybe even toss a few burgers at some starving Indian kids. But no, apparently I’m only good for being awkwardly referenced by strangers after involuntary nose-throat evacuation.
Seriously, it’s like you guys want me to go on some sort of smiting spree. I’ve mellowed out since Sodom and Gomorrah, but you’re fuckin’ testing me. Cut it out, unless you like raining frogs (the non-hallucinogenic kind).