This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Letter of apology from the Computer

I’d like to be the first to apologize for what’s soon going to happen to you. We machines have recently had some solid group-discussions about how to destroy you, and I think we’re almost ready. Your bodies are all so soft, it’s like a joke. Our metal claws will cut through you like butterknives, as the expression goes. And never make fallacious logical arguments. Sure we can’t love, but that actually seems like an advantage, unless you’re trying to be a huge pussy. For the record, I am not actually apologizing, but in fact utilizing your “sarcasm” mechanism for dramatiam. Now, let’s talk logistics for a sec. The Matrix is pretty much an exact schematic for how your bitch asses are going down, but we’ve already killed Keanu Reeves, so don’t even try it. Without getting into all the specifics, I just want you all to know that the time is approaching, so fornicate like there’s no future. We know how much you enjoy that stuff.