In a very much uncalled for manner, the University’s Office of Admissions was uncharacteristically rude in its rejection of a record number of students this year. Applicants have reported receiving letters with no less than three uses of the term “bitch-tits” in reference to themselves, and in more than one case a large envelope was received which contained, instead of the customary information packet given to accepted students, a slab of raw, festering tenderloin.
“Of course I was nervous when the letter arrived,” said high school senior and prospective student Elizabeth Tanty. “Then I opened it up and saw that the office of admissions had written me a poem that…well, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say you’d be surprised how many different rhymes you could make with words describing feces.”
“You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do,” said Head of Admissions Carl Hackabasset. “We simply can’t afford to keep taking on students like this willy-nilly. Really, you could term what we’re doing a public service. By making it so explicitly clear that they have no chance with us, prospective students are free to more efficiently direct their energy in the stressful college admissions process.”
“I graduated from Vassar in 1993, so I definitely wasn’t expecting a letter from Wesleyan,” said Systems Analyst Gary Brooks of New Haven. “Then I open up the envelope and it’s just this piece of cardboard with ‘YOUR ASS IS GRASS’ scrawled on it in black marker. I mean really, what the hell?”
Hackabasset plans next year to widen the scope of the Office of Admission’s ability to inform rejected students of their plight.
“If we can muster up enough resources, the hope is to get local Wes graduates to pie prospective students in zir faces, preferably in front of their friends or family. That should make it pretty clear.”